It's January 28, 2014 and I realize that I am not writing nearly as much as I would like. A number of reasons come to mind, but none are really very good ones. I know I am hesitant to write because I don't have many positive things to say. I am not very good at putting down the negative side as I would like to think I am. When my mind goes to places that I don't like, I tend to close down and isolate...even if it is a cyber isolation. (now that is a new term)!!!!!
I am so excited about the new things that will be coming my way this spring. A baby! My daughter's baby! A grandchild! It is still so unbelievable that I find myself stammering as I try to write it.....grandchild, grandchild, grandchild. I should be only on the top of the world but then other realities come crashing in. So many things out of my control, and yet very much just life interfering with my plans. Financially, I have always struggled since I became sick, not that I was anywhere near flush when I was working. It seems that so many things are just piling up. I try so hard to be frugal but I like everyone else want things that make me feel like I am living in the 21st century. I 'toggle' (for lack of a better term) between being satisfied with what I have, to wishing I had more. I don't need anything, I am blessed in that way. It just seems that I am constantly having to juggle every month to make ends meet. Then something happens and it dumps me back a few steps and I realize that had I died I wouldn't have this particular problem. Sounds ominous I know but initially everyone was patient and understanding but now its like ...OK you didn't die so we expect you to produce and contribute just like everyone else.
My insurance company has been very supportive, but again they are a business. So periodically, they think maybe I should consider going back to work. There is absolutely nothing I would rather do than work full time. I loved my job and it was my passion. I tried numerous times but I couldn't do it. Now I know that I will never work at my job again....took me a long time to get there! Then we have the taxes. You see my disability is really not a disability....its a wage replacement which means that it is taxable. Never seems to figure that at the end of the year I haven't paid enough. So I always seem to have a tax bill that I can't pay. It has taken me 10 years to finally get a 'disability tax credit' and so I now have to re-do my taxes from 2003. I am very happy that I finally was accepted, but now they are saying that unless I pay they are going to 'garnish' my disability!!!!! What the hell. We have Senators in Ottawa stealing our money and they are more concerned about going after me. I find myself crying when I say this.....talk about feeling powerless. So, I have another fight on my hands. Thankfully, I have the type of personality that even works over the phone. The IR woman is very kind and is giving me more time to resolve the credit issue so that we will probably not have to pay anything in the end anyways. But imagine 'garnishing' some one's disability......I am on CPP Disability....the Government has determined that I am not able to work....and yet the right hand is patting me on the back while the left hand is reaching into my purse. It just boggles my mind!
So, I have been more honest about my situation than I have ever allowed myself to be. I like everyone to think that I am just 'hunky dorey' (Maritime expression) and in total control of my life. Well, I just don't have the energy to pretend any more......I think I am in a minor depression. That's o.k. because according to the psychiatric manual that is one of the normal steps in grieving. I have lost so much and yet I don't think I really admitted it to myself till now. I lost my health, my job, my security, my father, my mother, and most recently my dog. And yet in the midst of all this I am going to become a grandmother, God willing!!!
Well, I guess that is what we call life. It is a cycle of gains and losses and sometimes the losses out weight the gains and sometimes the reverse happens. It just seems that recently, I keep losing something.
I am looking after myself though. I am reflecting, praying, and admitting perhaps its time to talk to someone. So no worries, this post has been cathartic because it has taken the blanket off and allowed me to show that I too have hard times.....not something I like to admit but I am too tired to pretend anymore. 2014 is going to be the year of reflection, rejuvenation and reality. It is only through these steps that my life will continue to grow and my being will heal and become stronger.
I might even consider letting someone else drive the bus.........not yet though! I have this vision of all of my friends running up the aisle to take the wheel cause they don't want to end up in the ditch. My both hands are still steering it's just going to be a bit of a bumpy ride for the next while.