It's almost Christmas time.....a time to reflect upon our blessings but also our sorrows. It is a time that is also as sad as it is happy.....but that is what Christmas is about.....its about finding ourselves in the stable, in awe, but also in surprise, and perhaps in sadness. It is a time when the blessings we reflect on maybe weren't always blessings and the sorrows we cried over weren't really so bad. It's a time of ironies!!!
I have been thinking about the ironies in my own life. I have survived this illness long past what anyone would have thought, and yet I still keep hoping my life will continue. Especially now that I am to be a Grandmother. Who would have thought! But, this new life has been the answer to a very old prayer......I have carried with me the fear of leaving her alone....and now she won't be. No matter what happens she will have me with her in her own children. I have lived long enough to see that I will continue to live in my grandchildren. The irony is that this knowledge, this event has brought another fear....what if I don't get to see this child grown up. It makes me realize that in the end we are never totally satisfied with how our lives evolve. There is always something more we wish for, hope for , dream of. And that in itself is wonderful. We are really a people of hope at our core.....as dreams are realized we dream new ones.
I am rambling but it does all have a purpose. I have never been so happy and at the same time I haven't felt so yukky physically in a long time. My stomach is not agreeing with anything....imagine at Christmas time losing weight ....that in itself is an oxymoron ! My hernia has re opened (as was expected I might add) and makes me uncomfortable at the best of times. My gall bladder is not accepting any kind of food......so even though the cancer is good the irony is that I am suffering the normal ailments of the aged. Another irony....I did want to grow old :)
This feeling of physical distress makes me fearful that perhaps as the happy event looms closer....what if I didn't make it.? What if by some irony I die before my beautiful grandchild is born.
I know it's 'stinking thinking' but I am good at that sometimes. Wouldn't that be the biggest irony of all....not really. My biggest fear in all these years has not been about my dying....it has always been about leaving my daughter alone. I regret so often that I didn't choose to have other children, at least then she would have someone to grieve with, reminisce with, laugh with.....but then another irony hits me.....they might not have even liked each other and been estranged!....I remember thinking at 25 I had to get married so I wouldn't be single at 35 ....guess what I was single at 35!
We spend enormous amounts of time trying to control, package our lives into perfect little boxes, only to have them ripped open and repackaged in a different way. Looking back though, I think my package was a lot more boring than the package that I actually got to open. My life has been full of ups and downs but in the end it has been a life worth living. It has been full of people, love, laughter and some tears and sadness....but it has been a dynamic, wonderful life.
As I approach Christmas I give thanks for the life I have .......I give thanks especially for the gift of the last 12 years. Who would have predicted that I would be here to write about a grandchild let alone be here (hopefully ) to welcome them in to the world. And if I am not, I know that all in all I live on in my children and now my grandchildren....and my one prayer that I have held up to my God for the past 12 years has been answered.....she is not alone He has chosen to shine His face on her in her boyfriend, his family and now their family .....I am a very BLESSED woman....
Merry Christmas to all ...........and God's will a blessed New Year!