Summits......

In earlier posts I mentioned my affinity to mountain climbing.   Now, I must reiterate, I am an armchair mountain climber, preferring to read about it rather than actually attempt to climb any rock and stone mountains.   I believe though that mountain climbing is a great analogy to one's life.
At least to mine.

I had the pleasure recently, of actually meeting someone who has mountain climbed and who besides other mountains has summited Everest.   I was excited to meet them if only to realize that they are flesh and blood like me, not that I imagined them to be anything other, and to talk about the why's behind that kind of sport......extreme sport.    Interestingly, the one comment that resonated with me the most was that "it isn't the summitting that defines who you are as much as the ability to turn away from it when the time comes".....something that I believed all along but found very few actually could do.    The strength of a person is more about knowing ones limitations than pushing them to the point of possible no return.   The reason we do things in our lives, or struggle through, is not so that we can die a hero, but mainly to survive the experience and perhaps know ourselves better.

We all have our own Everests.....some are not of our own making...which I believe are the hardest climbs of all.  When I was il,l I found that I was drawn to this sport almost to an obsessive degree.  I read everything I could get my hands on to learn more about it.   I was interested in the climbing, but I was also fascinated by the people who would choose to do this even though they didn't have to.   I think I  was angry that someone would put themselves in danger, life threatening danger, when there was no need.    Having to fight literally tooth and nail to stay alive, I couldn't understand why someone would push themselves to the edge of a self made abyss.   The more I read the more I realized that it is through these experiences that we grow as human beings, physically, mentally but more importantly spiritually.   We come to realize that there are forces that exist outside of ourselves that we must believe we can master in order to fulfill the potential of our spirit. 

The most important lesson that one must learn when climbing is that if it is only about the final goal there is a very good chance that you will not survive the entire journey.   Either you will push yourself beyond physical/mental limits before you reach it, or you will not have the energy for the descent and die on the way down.   That is the case both in mountain climbing and in life.    The purpose of any experience is to know that the most important part of it is the journey.....potential only exists in a living person....once dead there is no longer any potential so arriving at a goal only to die seems to me to be pointless.   If we focus only on the end, we miss all the points in between that may have just as much importance as the final summit.

I climbed my Everest twice, and both times I summitted and sat there for awhile.   What I have realized over the years though has been that the descent has been really the most difficult of times to adjust to.   Coming down and having to find a new way of being in the world, giving up the old "normal" has often been the hardest part of this journey.   You see people only remember that you achieved your goal, then they move on.   For you it means that you have to figure out how to live now with all these new experiences.  Life is never quiet the same, and yet in many ways those around you haven't changed at all.....only your life has changed....only your way of being is new.

So, I will continue to find mountains to climb, some by choice and some because I have to, but always I will try and focus on the journey, both the ascent and the descent, in order that I will fulfull whatever my potential in this life is possible.........What are your Everests today???

Good coffee.......

I must be moving back into my normal mode of self as I seem to want to write and write and write.

I have had the most amazing few days!....   I have had the wonderful opportunity to go back in time and without the use of drugs, alcohol or technology.   I just spent a couple of days with a very old friend and it was so relaxing.   Old friends are great beause they know who you are at your core, and you don't have to put on any kind of pretense.   Also, there are no guards up....its a 'this is me' attitude and that means tons of laughter and fun.

Not only was I brought back to a time when we were young, but an even more recent time when I had young people all around.  I forgot how much fun a room full of teenagers can be.....as well as very exhausting.    Even trying to go to sleep was a new experience as age prevented me from staying up as late, and yet that didn't seem to deter the noise and laughter from the young ones.   Oh to be so oblivious to anything and everyone around us....to be so self absorbed and not have to apologize for it.

The whole weekend was what I desperately needed.   It put me back into the reality that life is a place where things happen, good and bad.   It is not static or boring....if it is it ain't life people!!!!!

So Saturday and Sunday I am in the midst of family life with the crazyness of teenagers.....singing, yelling, knitting, watching t.v., playing instruments....and eating eating eating.....my goodness they like to eat.  Too bad they don't have the same energy for cleaning up!!!!!   Oh well......and then  on Monday....back to an adult world.   At least I was eased into....coffee with some new people. 

Nothing excites me more than meeting new people with new stories.    Also, on an aside I actually enjoyed a Starbucks coffee.....don't know if it was the coffee or the company but it was a great way to end the weekend and begin the week.

Life is good right now.........but one never knows what's might be around the corner...so I will just enjoy the moment!!!!

Happiness.....is it a choice????

Have you ever noticed that those who have the most to be grateful for are usually the most unhappy??

This is really a rhetorical question but in many ways it does deserve an answer.   I have been attempting to move into a grateful mode these days because in many ways I truly do have many blessings in my life.    All in all, I don't find it that difficult to find the blessings and to focus on them but it has left me thinking about those who don't.   Many years ago I remember speaking with my father about this and saying "have you ever noticed that those who should be the happiest in life because of all the good things in their life are the most unhappy?"  

Ultimately, happiness is a choice.   It is not something that happens to you just because.   Happiness comes from a place within that springs from a sense of hope and purposefulness.   I am basically a happy person.   That doesn't mean that I don't feel sad, or sometimes have pity parties and say "poor me".   It just means that I allow the bad feelings to come and then let them go.  Actually, when I am feeling like having a pity party I put a time limit on it and I don't invite anyone.  I don't hang onto bad feelings because I find some form of weird comfort from them.   I think that is what separates happy people, grateful people, from unhappy, ungrateful people.

Maybe it's a gift.   I don't try hard to be positive.   It is actually the way I prefer to be.  It comes pretty natural most times but there have been times in my life that I have had to force myself to be positive and happy.   Maybe its a habit.   Like anything the more you do something the easier it is to even fake it.  

Anyways, the reason I started writing this is because there are people in my life who are very unhappy but by all of the worlds standards should be extremely happy.    They have their health, their family, their children, a job, a nice home and vehicle, so many things that the world tells us are absolutely necessary to a happy life.   Yet, when I look at them I know that underneath they are suffering.   They are resentful of others.   They are overburdened by life.   I feel sorry for them because in many ways I think I am more fortunate than them and yet I don't have half of what they have.   It is good for us to recognize that others struggle with life no matter what they have achieved or who they are.   Life is a journey and that means that we must travel through it with the means and ways that we have.    If our life has been too easy perhaps that makes the journey harder.   Perhaps when things don't go well, those of us who have struggled have tools that others don't have.   We have the sense of 'all will be well' no matter what......perhaps we are more hopeful and more joyful because we have been to the edge of the abyss and truly know what lies on the other side.....and no matter what this side is sunnier.

Feeling very philosophical today..........

What day is it????

I realize it has almost been a month since I was last here.   It's not that I don't think of writing, it is just that the energy it takes seems to evade me.   I realize how difficult it must be if this was one's livelihood.....whether or not you feel like it you have to do it.

I seem to be moving out of the fog and my days are returning to some form of normalcy.   I must say, I have had a longer (read harder) recovery from my recent surgery but I am not sure why that is.  It could be age.....I am getting older so therefore my cells are moving a little slower to reproduce and make scar tissue.   It could be psychological because I haven't got the mental or emotional energy to deal with the limitations it has placed on me....or it could be that the cancer is slowing things down a little and making for a longer healing process.   Whatever the reason it doesn't really matter, the outcome is still the same....things are taking longer and my frustration levels are much shorter....proportionally one might say!!!!

I have to admit at this point I am not sure what I have written about and what I haven't.   My mind seems to move between complete inability to process what is presently going on and the place of memories and past experiences.   Every thing, place, event seems to spur a memory of one kind or another and so the present moments pass by unacknowledged.   After my Mother died, I spent a couple of weeks in NS mainly because my flight was two weeks away, and the cost of changing it was exorbitant.   It was basically a good time though because it gave me time  in my mother's home to browse around and grieve.   It also had a less desirable opportunity.   I got sick and ended up in the hospital.   So about ten days after my Mother died I ended up in the same hospital having emergency abdominal surgery.   Nothing cancer related per se, but related to the numerous surgeries in the past.....partial intestinal blockage due to adhesion's and a hernia.   So that set me back by another two weeks.   The surgery took place one day before I was to fly home and then I had to wait two weeks before I could fly again.  

As the story totally unfolds, one is able to realize that when I say I am just recovering physically, emotionally and mentally, I mean that in the literal sense.   It was a hell of a couple of months.   As I mentioned in a previous blog, my mother's funeral was delayed for a number of reasons, my illness NOT being one of them.   This necessitated a return trip to the East Coast about 10 days after my return home.   That part I have no regrets.  It was at this time that I realized that everything happens for a reason.....even if that reason seems strange at the time.

The trip back was made even more wonderful because of what had gone before it.   The death, the illness it all made the moments with my daughter even more poignant....we loved every mile of the drive and made new positive memories at a very difficult time in both our lives.

So, as I come to regain some of my own equilibrium I find the need to write return.   I began this blog because of my third diagnoses of cancer two years ago almost to the day.    It seems that I am still waiting to do something about that diagnosis but in the meantime I am living my life.    I guess in the end I am grateful that I am able to continue to live my life, the bad, the sad, the happy, the glad, even if at these times it seems like it will never really get better.   I am alive to feel the pain of grief and eleven years ago I would not have believed that I would be missing my parents so much.   Life never unfolds the way we expect but it does unfold and we need to grasp hold of it no matter what!!!!!

My turn......

I so desperately want to write, but my mind refuses to allow the ideas to come together in a way that makes it possible.

I always believed that my biggest life changing event was my diagnoses of cancer, but now I know that it is the death of my mother that has had the biggest effect on my life.   I miss her so much.   How do young people deal with this loss, when I who had her for so many years can't seem to fully comprehend her absence.    I have no regrets. I feel blessed to have had so many years.   I am really glad that she isn't here because it was her time.   She had lost all the parts of her life that she so cherished and her purpose on this earth had been served.  Her children were fine, her husband had gone, it was time for her to leave and go to meet him.   I know all this.  Yet I still can't grasp that she is not at the end of the telephone.   I reach for it to tell her a funny story, share an event I know she would love to hear, and she is not there.   In reality, I don't have to phone her, she is closer to me than she has been for years, but still I feel a void.  I loved to call and tell her funny stories and listen to her laugh.  She loved to laugh.    I could always make her laugh....it was my gift I know that.

I feel in many ways the fog of the past few months is starting to rise and I can see things too clearly sometimes.   The pain is more acute and the memories are harder to remember because they make me cry.   I am recovering, but in many ways that just makes it even more difficult.   I do believe I will come out the other end, but I will not be the same.   I will be changed for having her no longer in my life.   I am the adult now.   I am no longer the child, the daughter, now I am the mother and the sister....I have grown up in the past two months.    It is necessary I know but not easy.    We never really achieve adulthood until our parents are gone.....we can still be a child when they are here...no longer though....I am now all grown up.   I thought it would feel different.   I thought by now I would have complete knowledge and wisdom.   Instead, I feel a little uneasy as if I really don't know how to be this person yet.   It will take time, but eventually I will be one of them....the way they were as they too became the next in line.    No umbrellas to scurry under....I am now the umbrella and it is my job to hold it up and cover those behind me.   I pray that I can be that person.

The legacy of a parent is not an easy one to bear....but each of us will come to that time when it is our turn....mine is here.......

Life's curves........

It has been another while since I posted but anyone who knows me will realize that I have just been too overwhelmed recently to even think about putting anything on paper (or the equivalent) .

Pictures have always spoken to me.  I love photographs because not only do they capture a moment in one's life, but they often symbolize what is going on at that point in time.   The things we decide to save often indicate where we are on our journey.   This picture was taken recently while I was driving to my mother's funeral.   It was so beautiful with all the colours of fall and I knew that if my mom had been with me she would have loved it.    She absolutely loved the autumn season!...it also represents for me the loneliness I am feeling right now.   There are few other travellers who I feel connected to with at this moment in time.   That is o.k. because in many ways I am not in a place to want or need others.....I am finding the solace in my memories and being alone allows me that time to reflect and to remember.   

I have had a very busy couple of months....I am still trying to figure out where September went????
In addition to my mother's death, I had to have emergency surgery while on the East coast, help clear out my mom's apartment, come back to Ontario and pick up my daughter and then drive back to the East coast for mom's funeral.   Although it seems like a lot there were some very cathartic moments in amidst all that chaos.    Nothing in this life happens that cannot be of value for one's journey upon reflection.....the key is to stop long enough in life to actually reflect.

The surgery forced me to stay much longer initially on the coast, which then allowed me to be with my sisters and brother during the closing of my mother's apartment.   It was a sad time, but there was lots of laughter and some tears and I am so glad that I was there....without my little emergency that would not have happened.   The trip back by car too had many advantages.....coming home and turning around to go back seemed way too much to do....but I wouldn't have traded that journey for anything now that I am home.   It allowed my daughter and I time to talk and laugh and reconnect which seemed very appropriate considering I had just lost my mother and needed to reaffirm my other relationships in life.   Realizing that one relationship was over but I was still very much needed as that person in my daughter's life, has helped me transition from daughter to mother.    The trip also allowed me to remember so many things about my mother and really made me happy to  see the trip through her eyes at many points.    The trees changing colours were her favorite time so it just felt like she was with me the whole trip.  

The death of my mother offered an opportunity for old friendships too.   It is often the case that where one door closes in our lives, a window opens.   That happened with an old friend.    Although we have always stayed in touch, we will now be more present to each other having been brought together over this shared loss.   I am grateful for this re-newed friendship and will work to keep it very much alive and well!   Again, no event is completely negative....there is always a silver lining.  And finally, the trip by car allowed me to visit an old high school friend, and to share our stories of survival and triumph and to give each other strength to continue on our similar yet different courses with our cancer.   That was a blessing that also will be with me because of my mother's death and my trip by car to the East coast......one never knows where the road will lead....(notice the curve in the picture - we are never totally sure what lies around the corner)

So as I sit and think about all that has happened the past couple of months, I realize that life happens....it is how you choose to see the events that really decides whether it was worth it.   I am sorry my mother is no longer with us, I am not sorry she has died.   She had come to point in her life when it was time to say goodbye....I am a firm believer that there are some things worse than death and she had arrived there.....she is happy, she is healed and she is back with the love of her life my father.   I am sad, and I will miss her terribly.    She was a force in my life and no one will be able to replace her.  But her death left me with many new blessings that I would never have even imagined and for that I am thankful to her.....and to life.

Life is an interesting combination of happiness and sadness but each has its place and neither stands totally alone without the other....as C.S. Lewis says "the pain of today is because of the joy of yesterday"......

Journey's......only one!

It's been over two months since my last post and I don't think I have ever gone that long between posts.    This summer has been different from any other and so I have had difficulty getting my mind around it and putting my thoughts together,   Even now I have no idea what I plan on writing I only know that I need to empty my soul and that this has become  the best way to do it.

Where to start.    The beginning isn't even an option as I don't think there really is a beginning so I will start with the most important.....My mother died this summer.   On August 13th with out a lot of fanfare and much to our surprise she went to sleep and just never woke up.    It sounds so simple when I write it but it wasn't when I lived it.    When I began this blog I thought it was going to be about my journey with cancer.   I realize now that we can't separate our lives into journey's of this or that, but rather it is one long journey of life, with the difference being how long we end up sitting on the side of the path recovering from the various events and happenings.   For me, I think this particular experience will take a long to time to 'just move on'.    Mother's are a funny lot.    You think you have them all figured out.   You think that you are all grown up and that your relationship has evolved into a adult/adult one, and then they are gone.    You realize that you were still their daughter no matter how old you are, and they were still your mummy at some visceral level.    The one person who I never existed before or after birth without is now no longer here in the physical world....I still can't quite grasp that concept.    How in the world do children deal with the loss of a mother at a young age, if when as a grown up with a family of our own we have such a difficult time?   I know that whenever I ran into this situation in my professional life, I always qualified my help by saying "I really don't understand because my mother is still alive"....boy was I right!  Mother's they are a unique species unto themselves......no matter what the relationship, no matter how far away they may have lived. no matter whether you liked them or not,  it becomes necessary to completely re- examine ones way of being in the world with out them......and so I begin a new journey on the same old path.....and I don't think I will be removing a pebble from my shoe this time and continuing....I think there will always be a little limp in my step for having said goodbye to my Mother.......and now I do 'really understand'.......