Life continues to surprise and sometimes just confuse me. I have not been feeling myself lately, although I must say I don't know what that exactly means. I don't feel like anyone else either.
I haven't been sleeping very well, and when I do finally fall asleep, I have had the most bizarre dreams. Bizarre in a couple of ways. One, they are so real I am not sure if I am a sleep or not, and secondly, when I wake I can remember everything that I dreamed and I feel exhausted. There was a time when I didn't remember my dreams, and it is times like this that I wish I could go back to that. Part of the problem is that I have also been in a lot of pain lately. I am not sure why, or what the pain is caused by, but it seems to get worse at night and has taken over my whole body and entered my dream world.....even sleep doesn't bring relief.
The other night I had such a terrible night when I was actually awake with pain, but then even falling asleep it seemed the pain became part of my dream. In the dream I was in intense agony and couldn't find anywhere to lie down. There were all these people who also were not well but there were no beds left for me. I spent the time leaning against a wall, trying to be stoic but feeling like I was going to fall over. When I woke up, the pain was real but I was lying down in bed thank goodness:)......this seemed to last for about three days and then finally last night I got a decent sleep.
I don't understand these times, and I must admit I have no idea if it is the cancer or just the growing old that causes such night pain. I have heard other people complain about having difficulty sleeping and being uncomfortable at night, but I am sure they are much older than me. Or, I am in denial about how old I really am.
It is a funny situation to be in when you have a long term illness. There comes a time when you can no longer decide whether the things going on with your body are actually normal growing old occurrences, or if the illness is the culprit. I have to laugh sometimes because I am sure that some of what I feel day to day is just the getting old part. Eleven years ago, almost to the day, I never would have thought that I would be complaining about growing old. Although I must say, if this is what getting old is all about, who ever coined the phrase "the golden years" obviously never got there!!!!!!
So here's to growing old and lousy sleepless nights. I have to admit the alternative sucks so I will just content myself with the fact that if I am feeling pain, whether asleep or awake, at least it means that I am still 'on this side of the sun'........not a bad thing at all!!!!!!!