So, I did it...and immediately regretted doing it. I hate to cause pain to another, and this conversation caused enormous pain. She cried, and felt sad for me, and I know for her. I don't really know what she felt b/c I don't have a daughter who has cancer and so in many ways can only relate as one human to another not as a mother to a mother.
Again though, it is the energy of consoling that I hate too. I must now console her and tell her everything is alright and till now I was able to avoid that. Selfish in many ways, but the reality of this horrible disease. I hate my life at times like these. My daughter and my mother, to have to watch them in so much pain and to know that nothing I say or do will change how they feel. We are selfish beings at heart. Keeping secrets allows us the ability to control our environment, pretend, stay in denial when around those who no nothing. It is our way of escaping reality. The remainder of the trip will be different now, I am sad about that. I have moved back into a place that I had left behind three weeks ago. Here I was 'normal', no one here ever saw me sick and so doesn't know. Now my Mom is sad, and she will tell them in her own time why she is sad. They weren't around for the other times, they are new friends to her. I did tell one of her ladies before so that she would have someone to talk to if she needed. They were very supportive and told me that they will keep an eye out for her. Watch, her BP will go up again, I hate this life sometimes.
Well the deed is done and so no turning back. I guess it is my turn now to help her come to terms with it. I have had seven months so its time! BUT, all the questions about why am I waiting, the realization of how little she knew about my cancer. She believed it was gone...forever so this is just like the first time. Explaining remission to her and that cancer is never really gone. She remembers the old times when they would say 'we got it all'....having to say that they don't say that anymore.....why she wants to know.....so three days to bring her to a place that she can let me go.....I hate this life....I think I have said that a few times here.....
5 comments:
OH, how my heart aches for you, your mom and daughter! Cancer is a family disease isn't it? I know you don't want to bring pain to your family but your mom needed to know. I know it sound crass and that is not my intention but pain is a part of life, you can't escape it, neither can your mom. I know that lesson well. Your mom has obviously taught you strength and perseverance and she will get through this. Nobody gets through a cancer diagnosis with out several bumps, bruises and scrapes to our hearts and spirits.
In the end, Elizabeth, I think telling your Mom, albeit seeing her pain, explaining, and comforting her (while taxing on you), will serve you better personally. You will not now be wondering if you "should have told her", which might have haunted you. Sending you a virtual hug!
Sending a big hug. I know this has caused both you and your Mom pain. I still believe it was the right thing for you to do. The problem with secrets is that they don't usually remain secrets. It was best that your Mom heard it from you. Not by accident. By telling one of her friends you have help to set up a support system for your Mom and you have family down there who will be there for her.
I was just getting for bed and thinking about you. I hope you are feeling a little more at peace with telling your mom. Wishing I could give you a hug but I will wish you sweet dreams instead.
Namaste, dear one.
I know that you say you cannot understand "being a mother whose daughter has cancer" but you can understand being the mother of a sick child, even if the "sickness" is not cancer. As a mother, you will do almost anything to take the fear/pain/illness away from your daughter.
I think you would have caused her even more pain if you had chosen to keep this to yourself. The hurt caused by secrets is always greater than the hurt of honesty.
Keep your chin up. You will soon be among friends again.
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