This moment......remembers that moment!

Haven't been able to write much lately.   Seems like all my feelings and emotions are mixed up and confused.   I feel well physically, although I do notice that I am more tired than usual.   Seem to want to nap alot and often have an idea for doing something then 'sleep' gets in the way.  Oh well, at least I am still essentially healthy.

I am feeling very sad though b/c someone I have known for thirty years is dying of cancer.   She has just sort of been around in my life all these years and I guess in many ways I never thought about a time when she wouldn't be.    It is also very close for me b/c she seems to be going down  hill really quickly.  Things can change so fast.  As I write this I find my eyes welling up and the tears starting to fall.  Life seems to just go by so quickly sometimes, and it scares me.   What seemed like just yesterday is actually many years ago. 

Eleven years ago today, I was at my 25th high school reunion in Montreal.   I was so excited!    A friend and I had driven up from Toronto (each with a child in tow) and were getting ready in our hotel room to go to the dinner and dance.    Another friend that we hadn't seen in 25 years (at least I hadn't) was due to come by the hotel to go with us.  It was such a fun time and so much to look forward to.   We felt like we were so old celebrating 25 years, but at the same time the emotions and excitement were similar to getting ready for a school dance.   Oh to get that time back!

The other side of that weekend was it was the beginning of my not feeling well.   I ended up leaving the dance early b/c I was just too tired.  I figured it was the trip and the excitement and so I didn't worry much.   The next day I spent walking around in all my old haunts with my then 12 year old daughter showing her all the childhood places and telling all kinds (albeit censored of course )stories of the things we used to do here and there.  I even went to my old house, knocked on the door and asked if I could show my daughter - the new owners were very happy to oblige.  I  remember we went for supper at the St.Hubert BBQ restaurant that was built on the old golf course that was behind my house when I was little .....it was a great day.   Little did I know that what was coming would make that day engraved in my head because it is the last day I remember that she and I spent so care free.    39 days later I would be diagnosed with Stage 3, Grade 3, Clear Cell Epithelial Ovarian Cancer.    Our lives would never be the same again!

Life can change in a moment.....it can change for good or bad...but nothing stays the same no matter how hard we try to make it.    Eleven years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and would go home to the East Coast about two months later.    This woman who is now dying would come to see me and comfort me......
I had the privilege of seeing her while I was in NS this past month and I am so grateful.   Who would have believed that so many years later I would still be here to say good bye to her.    She is much older than me and she has lived a full and good life, but still it breaks my heart to know that she will soon be gone.

As I sit here I realize that we all need to take a minute and just live now, right now, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not even a moment from now BUT RIGHT NOW......can you hear the birds, the silence, see the beauty, taste or smell the air, if so sit in it and wallow....don't move on till the moment is over and then live in the next moment......it may be your last and you will have missed it, and then again it may not.....but it may be the one moment you really want to remember and hold onto.....like that day 11 years ago, feeling tired and drained, I still took the time to share it with my daughter and can sit and recall just about everything we said and did....living in the moment then has given me many moments of joy both now and over the past eleven years.

Godincidences in our lives!

I was reminded of a funny story today and I can't remember if I ever shared it here....so I will now!

When I was first diagnosed with OVCA in June 2001, I just seemed to march along and did whatever was needed to be done.   I had surgery, then started chemo.   I thought I dealt with everything really well even to the point of still going on a trip to the East Coast less than two months after diagnoses.   I thought I was o.k.   Although, there were a few tense moments when my daughter said that she hated this whole thing and it was ruining her summer.   Of course, I just wrote that off to adolescent moodiness and really didn't apply it to myself or our 'new normal.'

In December of that year, I completed my chemo on December 11!!!!!...and the next day I took my daughter shopping for a winter coat.    It was a bit rough on me but I knew that in about three days I would be feeling even worse so we trudged up to the mall.     As we parked in front of the pet store, my daughter asked if we could go in and look and see what animals were there.    So, as a treat I decided what the heck and we entered the store and promptly separated going in our own directions.   I ended up in the back of the store and there; in behind a window in a cage; was this little fuzz ball of a puppy.   I stared at her for a minute and then asked the sales clerk if I could hold her.....bad idea right?!    Well twenty minutes later, with all the necessities in hand, we left the store with a new puppy.....needless to say my daughter went the winter in  her overly small last years' coat!!!!!

As we got in the car, I realized what I had just done.   Not only had I used my credit card to pay for this puppy (no job no money never occurring to me) but I then remembered that we had a dog at home and one that is not very fond of other animals.   I quickly said that 'if Boy doesn't take to her we will have to return her'....my daughter holding this fur ball just nodded, probably not even having heard a word that I said.     Arriving home, we set her down on the floor and watched to see what would happen.   Initially the other dog seemed not too interested, then he came over and I think thought that she was stuffed.  He made a move to pick her up in his teeth and she moved.....it was hilarious , he jumped back startled and actually swallowed his bark.....he left her alone after that, but it did take awhile for him to get used to this new little 'ankle' bitter.....she followed him around biting his tail and barking at him absolutely in love with him....I think in the end he liked her too but only would show it if he thought I wasn't looking.

She adapted to her new surroundings, sleeping with my daughter of course.    And life went on.....then I realized that something had definitely changed in our home....there was laughter again.  There were squeals of delight from my daughter, barks of wonder from the older dog, and giggles from me.....JOY had come back into our home.    We had been so saddened by my illness, and so absorbed with medical procedures, nurses visits, and just hanging on by our fingernails , we had forgotten to laugh and joke and have fun.     This little furry creature brought JOY back into our lives......as crazy as the whole thing was to buy her and bring her home at a time when we didn't need anymore chaos, she brought serenity and peace, joy and happiness and all those things that seem to disappear when illness enters a home.   

Today, I laughed again at something she did, this time with the cats (a whole other story in itself) and was reminded of that day 10 and a half years ago when Bilbo became the newest member of our household........she is also a reminder of how long I have survived this dreadful disease and how much life I have lived since then.      Never underestimate what God may provide in your life in order to make sure JOY has a place in it......it was very much a  God incident that day we entered the mall to buy a winter coat and instead came out with a four-legged fur!!!!!!!!

Not a good time lately.....

So, have made it through another week.   That in itself should be considered a miracle.   Life is so tenuous that making it from one day to the next is often nothing short of miraculous.  We don't often think of life as that precious in our affluent society.  Many societies have a much better appreciation of how precarious life is, and they tend to know what is really important and what isn't.  Often, it is said that in order to know what is important in your life, watch at see what makes you angry.......now that is a very good measure of how you are doing in life.   If its the untangling of Christmas lights, or the bad job your housekeeper did, maybe you need a lesson in gratitude....if that is all you have to complain about I think maybe you despterately need a life.   I sound short, but that is because my life at the moment is not going the way I would like it to go, and that makes me angry, and I guess a little jealous of those who 'seem' to be doing better.   That is not a fair judgement though b/c we all have crosses to bear some are just more obvious than others.....

Biblo had her surgery yesterday, and I am gratful that all went will, but still a little pissed that it happened at all.   Tomorrow is my turn.   I see the doctors and determine when I will be having surgery.   Honestly, I would rather be doing anything else at this time in my life but I guess somethings are just not in my control.    The one good thing about all this is,  I will hopefully come out of the surgery without any pain in my hip and leg and actually be able to finally get a good nights sleep.   So off we go on another journey with this damn cancer.   

I probably shouldn't have written today because I am anything but in a good mood.   I must say though, I am grateful for the people in my life and my faith and don't know how I would make it without both.  So in the midst of all this other crap I am still able to glimpse the good stuff....and that is always important.......life is better than the alternative!!!!!! :)

Hope.....

Hope...what is it exactly.  I remember when I first began this journey I thought of it as "something that existed in the future"....but I now know that it is what exists right here right now.     My understanding that hope is what moves us to the future has changed from that which was  something evasive or unseen to that which gives us the energy neccessary to continue.   My hoping this disease would go away has not worked, it hasn't even kept it at bay.   My hoping that tomorrow will be better is senseless because only through my own efforts will that happen.  So what is hope exactly???....I don't know if I can define it.    A friend today mentioned a program that talked about 'hope' and so I listened to it.   Joan Chitister defined hope as "being able to dance around corners"....I think I like that definition.  It means that even thought my world is not the way I 'hoped' it would be, I don't have to be sad and sullen, the future may not be within my control but the present very much is.   Hope I think is something more than a wish about a future happening, it is about how we deal with the happenings right now.

If I hope for something in the future and it doesn't happen, I will be disappointed.  If I hope for the strength to deal with today and the struggles it brings I will be fulfilled.   Who I am right now does not change because of the things I may not have tomorrow.   I guess I can say I am hopeful.   I know that in the beginning of this journey I could not have said that.   I was hopeless because I didn't understand the purpose of hope....I truly believed it meant that you had to have the guarantee of another day...now I know it means that I must hope for tomorrow but live today with hope!  By the way that  is not my own profound thought but simply a paraphrase of the Dali Llama.

So much has changed over the past year.   It is one year ago that I was told that the cancer was back...although it was never gone....we just couldn't see it.    Ovarian cancer does not go away...it simply hides its ugly head until it decides to 'roar' into  life again.   The literature on this disease refers to OVCA as the 'cancer that whispers'.  This may be true initially, because the symptoms are so silent and yet so deadly, but when it comes back there are no whispers.....it roars into your brain and continues to scream at you every day .......well the screaming has to stop...it is time that we do something to silence the beast again.     I will be making some big decisions in the next couple of weeks, as well as having more tests.    So glad there is no studying for these tests.....I would probably fail.....as positive in cancer is not a pass, a negative is not a fail.   See how this disease turns everything on its head.     I digress, as I was saying I will be deciding what to do in the next while.   I am not very anxious to do this, and there are moments when I think I will just close the door and pretend the inevitable is not there....but the beasts is knocking very loudly and so I must go and slay the beast.

I am gassing up the bus and having it tuned up....the journey is about to begin in earnest as so 'all aboard' ....it is off to 'cancer land we go'.    I know that most of you know the rules...but just incase remember no talking to the driver....unless of course you need to get off, and please keep the click clicking of the needles going....it gives me great comfort to know that things are being created even while I am killing something else!1!!  So here we go.......

I have hope though....which is much more than I can say I had 10 years ago.......

Stages of Grief.....or LIfe?

Stages of Grief...or life?

Interesting how the mind continues to work even when you are trying to take a break.  I can't stop thinking about the 'stages of grief'.  I have decided that perhaps to limit them simply to grief is to deny (1st stage) that they are actually the functions of life.

Denial - This stage which often begins the process is seen in almost every aspect of our lives.   It is a period of time that seems to allow the brain to adjust to changes in our lives that perhaps we are not so happy about.  It offers that, albeit incorrect, belief that somehow life is controllable. Hopefully, only for a period of time in order to come to terms with the changes.  Scott Peck believes the state of denial when taken too far, the refusal to change ones map of life even when faced with the reality of the changes, is actually the road to insanity.  So maybe it is a good thing that I have  stopped driving the denial bus.....don't want to appear insane.

Depression - the second stage is often the attempt to return to the past.   There are certain emotions that can actually tell you where you are living, future, present or past.  Depression is the state where one is not willing to accept the changes, you are still in the past, and is a wishful thinking of better times.  (I am not talking about clinical depression here ...purely situation!)    So, the brain moves from the ability to totally deny what is happening to a place where it 'wishes' things where different.   A normal human response given that it is our natural state of being to want to control our lives.   So, I dont' feel so bad about having entered this stage as I do 'wish' things were different.  How long I will wish this is to be seen.

Anger - is the 3rd stage (realizing of course that we don't go through these stages so succinctly and probably toggle back and forth between them) which is the movement from the state of depression, and wishing, to actually glimpsing the reality but still not liking what is being seen.  A fighting mode that sees the reality, the change, as an enemy.  This stage in our grieving  is absolutely necessary in order to move the brain to a place that perhaps reality begins to sink in.   I can see myself in many instances in life having been angry about situations before I ever came  to a place of moving into those realities. In addition to cancer diagnosis,  my divorce stands out very significantly at that point.  Long before I ended my marriage I was angry both at my ex as well as myself for not being able to fix the problem.    I am also beginning to realize that although it may not seem to be a grieving process as we understand grieving...almost all change is a loss of something or someone so no wonder the process fits all aspects of our life......hmmmmm

Bargaining - this is the stage were we still haven't accepted the fact that life is not necessarily in our control.   We figure we can bargain our way out of the change by doing something different.   If I just change the way I eat (this was me when first diagnosed with cancer), or change the way I deal with people, or change the job I have all will be well.  I think maybe bargaining could be the road to insanity rather than denial.  It is here that one risks  staying too long because of the refusal to give up control of one's environment, life whatever.   Many people have spent their whole lives bargaining with life in order to not have to face the changes that have taken place.....an example of this that seems to come to mind is the recent increase in plastic surgery, and all these things that promise 'eternal youth'.   Boy if that ain't bargaining I don't what is.    We are all going to grow old it is just how soon we accept that fact that will determine if we do so in a state of happiness or not.

Which of course brings us to the final stage ACCEPTANCE!!!!!   This is the stage that we all hope to arrive  at sooner or later no matter what occurs in our lives.   The changes that we face are much better dealt with once we have arrived here.   Not that they will be easier to deal with or that they will not seem so huge, it is just that we will adjust our behaviour to incorporate the changes into our lives, thus not giving change the power over us to make our lives unhappy.  So no matter who we are, or what we are going through, we are all somewhere on the continuum  of the stages of grief.   At any point in our life we are dealing with some type of loss, be it our health, a loved one, our youth, our children leaving home, our inability to remember all that unimportant trivia, whatever.  We are always somewhere on this journey called life dealing  with the different things in our lives, each at a different stage depending on the loss and our willingness to accept that the only constant in life is 'change'.

For now, at this moment in my life, I am dealing with depression (the wish it was different stage)......what stage are you in???????     .....and what loss are you grieving???

Death is close....always!

Haven't really felt like writing much.   The juices don't seem to be flowing...maybe this is what is called a writer's block.   Decided I needed to though because the past week has been nothing if not interesting.  Then again, I find that my life is usually interesting...at least to me. 

Had a real theme of dying this week.   With Jack Layton's death which put me in a bit of a tailspin.  It reminded me of how swiftly this disease can take you from the top or peak of your life and within weeks put you in the ground.   I don't like being reminded of these things but sometimes it is a good thing.   Then I did a funeral on Saturday for a former student who's father died very suddenly, and again was reminded how precious life is, and how unpredictable!   There was a photo at the service of him taken one day before he died with his granddaughter.  It was so beautiful and he didn't look like he was dying...and yet she turned one year old four days later without her Opa.

Both of these men were young by our standard's, yet in many ways both had lived life to the fullest in their own ways.   It made me realize that it isn't how long you live, its what you do with the  time you live.  I know that isn't very original as we all seem to say it often, esp when someone dies.  But it is profound!   

If we come to accept death as a part of life we are much more likely to live while we are still alive.   In our society (b/c most of the world knows full well that death is very close at hand) we often see death as something that is outside of life.   As if it is standing off in the wings and if we are really careful and don't let it come on stage we can somehow beat it and live forever.  We constantly believe that if we do the right things then we can avoid or at least delay death indefinitely.  Then comes a moment where someone dies and we are stunned.......

I too am very much guilty of this way of thinking.   Even with cancer, I have gotten complacent and not lived the life I know I could have.   Then it raises its ugly head again and I am taken aback by the seriousness of it.   I don't believe that we should all live as if at any moment we are going to be struck down.   It would be a very neurotic world to see everyone running around twisting their heads to see if some awful thing was about to befall them.    What I mean, is that we should look death in the eyes, see it as a reality, and then decide to live every moment as if it counts.   Not putting off all those things until it is more convenient, especially the things that are relational in nature.   Spend time with loved ones, help those in need not b/c they deserve it but b/c we as humans are obligated to help others.   See the good in others, the wonder in nature, the awe in  children, the humour in God's world.    Believe me God definitely has a sense of humour and it is all around us.   Just tell God your plans for the day!!!!   

The past week has been difficult.....I have had to look death in the face at a personal and at a more general level and both have had an effect on me.   I have had to  deal with the reality that this disease is back and that it isn't going to just go away if I ignore it.   Death is in the room in my life but it doesn't mean I have to invite it to stay or even offer it a seat.   I will look it in the eye and then turn and leave the room to live another day......that's all I have and so here I go off to have a great day no matter what it brings....even if it brings death!

Mourning..........

Today I was kicked in the gut!   We lost a great Canadian today much to soon.   He struggled like many of us with cancer and unfortunately the cancer won.    Sixteen weeks ago he lived the greatest moment in his political career, leading the NDP from an almost non-existent force in Canadian politics to the Opposition Party.    As was said on twitter "he was the great Prime Minister Canada never had".......

In the midst of his own struggle he was still thinking about how we (those suffering from cancer) might lose hope in our own struggles when we saw that he lost his.    He reminded us that we are fortunate to live in a country and a  time where cancer treatments are very successful, and that we must continue to be hopeful and optimistic in our own battle.   I usually don't use these warrior type words when I speak of cancer but today that is how I feel....like we are at war with this horrible disease.    It is at times like this when I realize the incredible people we are losing to this disease......Jack Layton was a unique human being and a real politician....of the people, for the people!   A man of courage, passion and vision.....now gone from us because of a disease that seems to be winning more lately in my life than losing.    I will hang on his words of living in the moment and cherishing our loved ones and the time we have with them......

I can say it no better than he:     "love is better than anger.   Hope is better than fear.   Optimism is better than despair.  So, let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic"     Rest in peace Jack.....you have done your job and it is now our turn to carry the torch........may Canadians hold your family in their hearts and prayers.

I HATE CANCER....

I grew up being told that it isn't nice to use the word hate.  I passed this same lesson on to my daughter.   So, it is a word that was rarely if ever heard in our house.   Except of course the time she was really mad about something and said "I hate you" and my reply was "well I guess I must be doing my job".....I digress

Hate is not an emotion that I allow myself to explore, I don't like the feeling it has and I certainly don't like the energy it takes.   BUT, I can honestly and with full emotion say I HATE this disease called cancer in all its forms.   It seems to be taking over lives and families like the plague!  It eats away at the body of the individual, but it destroys the souls too.   Not only the soul of the person it has taken hold of, but the family and friends too.   No one is safe once it enters a home.    All though it may not contagious by medical terms, every member of the family suffers from this disease.   Even when it doesn't succeed in destroying the body, it takes a part of the person and family that can never be replaced.   Cancer kills, even when it doesn't kill. 

It takes a sense of peace, security, freedom, hope, eternity!....all these suffer because of cancer.    It is an insidious disease that attacks quietly, only affecting the individual, but then it lifts its ugly head with a roar and everyone within hearing is devastated and changed for ever.  At this point in time nothing can stop it, and it seem that every time you turn around, someone is saying "so and so has cancer"...it has become a part of our daily conversation.....like the weather.   No one is safe, no one can say they haven't been touched by its tentacles, it has become part of our daily lives....even though it is not able to enter our 'being' it has entered our lives.

We must always remember that it is not 'who' we are, it is not a part of our true 'person'.  It is an uninvited stranger, and must be treated as such.    We must not become the cancer, it must remain outside of our understanding of who we are.    We may have the disease, but it does not have us!....this is so important.   It cannot be allowed to define who we are.....we are so much more even when we are ill.    We must always remember to think, talk, and act as if this invader is invisible.   Do not give it power over our mind, our soul, and it will not have the same power over our body.  I do not mean that we can be healed by ignoring it.   No it may succeed and we may die, but if we have lived every day as if we are still in control of our lives then we have won .   Cancer has the ability to take the body but it has no strength to invade the soul., we must allow it to happen and we can prevent that.   Allow yourself the pleasures of the day, live each moment fully with your loved ones.   Do not mourn for those who are still with you and can still be seen and touched....live that day to the fullest.   Then cancer is still that stranger in the room that can be shunned....do not allow it to take over the room and bring a pall....life is still life until it is not.....people are not truly dying until a few hours b/f they are dead.....live life every moment of every day.....don't let cancer take one minute from it!!!!   ...and then it will never really have invaded your being and the soul will still be free...whether you live or die!

I HATE THIS DISEASE WITH ALL MY ENERGY.