Have you ever noticed in life that once you learn a new word, hear about a book, or read about something, you seem to continue to hear about it all around you. Most of us know this experience and we probably have even commented on how that seems to work.
Well, when you have cancer it is a similar situation.....not necessarily one you want either. Before I was diagnosed, I remember hearing about cancer of course, but I didn't really know alot of people with the disease or know anything at all about it. Since 2001, it seems that my life is surrounded by this disease, and I know more about it than I ever really wanted to. I hear things constantly on the radio about cancer, and often specifically Ovarian Cancer. Until I became sick I only knew one person with this type of cancer and she had dies almost thirty years earlier. Now, I know numerous women with OVCA, and even more unfortunately that I have buried.
Not only OVCA seems to be a constant theme but all kinds of cancer. I don't think a day goes by that someone doesn't tell me about some one they know who is in hospital, has been just diagnosed or has died from this awful disease. Today is no different. In the space of one day I have spoken to two people I know that have had to deal with the disease themselves, another who's spouse has just gone through treatment, an another who's father has died. In addition, two more people who have loved ones fighting the disease, and the outlook is poor.
I don't usually write about this kind of day, but it has hit me hard. I guess today was just one of those days where you become overwhelmed and want to crawl into a hole. I know that probably most people deal with this also, even if you don't have the disease yourself. Cancer has become almost epidemic, and I am sure that there are very few people who have not been touched in some way by this disease. It just seems that over the past eleven years, cancer has become more common in my daily life, and I am not meaning my own health.
Today, while at Mass, I just shock my head and prayed that each of these people will find peace and purpose in whatever journey is ahead for them. I also, asked God to please give me strength to be there for who ever needs me and also to remember in my prayers all the people with whom I have promised to pray.
Life is not suppose to be comfort seeking.........but rather character building. I just have to remember that it is in the sorrow and sadness of others that we find our own compassion and love to move out into a world that is hurting. It reminds me that I am needed, if only for a moment to listen to an other's story. Thank you God for giving me ears to hear others cry out in pain.....it has been a grace in my life ...
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
January......a new beginning!
Well the new year has begun and so far my biggest resolution is to remember to write 2013 on my cheques!!!!!....yes I still write cheques b/c I am old and don't like to give up everything old at the same time. I do have an IPhone and a laptop so I have entered the 21st century but want to hang onto some of the past too.....I guess you already knew that as I also blog which is a relatively NEW invention!!!!
Did you know that January is named after the goddess, Janus. She was believed to be able to see both forward and backward. So she could still see the old year while looking ahead to the new year. I think that is poignant....we need to reflect on both at this time of year. Not that we shouldn't do it more often than once a year, but as a species we seem to work better when we set certain time and space aside to mark events and activities. Isn't that why we celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations etc.? We could celebrate 365 days of the year but imagine how tired we would be...so instead we have dates we can justify having a bit more fun, or more reflection than others.....thus January....time to look back on the themes that have been present in the past year and look forward to what they might mean for the coming year....
So I am really seeing a theme over the past few months in my life. I am reflecting on it and trying to come to some sense of what I am being called to do. I am not yet prepared to share what that might be but I have started a new regime in my life to help it unfold.
So, a new year, a new outlook, and hopefully continued health in order to develop my new ideas!!!!!
What's new in your life!!!!?????
Did you know that January is named after the goddess, Janus. She was believed to be able to see both forward and backward. So she could still see the old year while looking ahead to the new year. I think that is poignant....we need to reflect on both at this time of year. Not that we shouldn't do it more often than once a year, but as a species we seem to work better when we set certain time and space aside to mark events and activities. Isn't that why we celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations etc.? We could celebrate 365 days of the year but imagine how tired we would be...so instead we have dates we can justify having a bit more fun, or more reflection than others.....thus January....time to look back on the themes that have been present in the past year and look forward to what they might mean for the coming year....
So I am really seeing a theme over the past few months in my life. I am reflecting on it and trying to come to some sense of what I am being called to do. I am not yet prepared to share what that might be but I have started a new regime in my life to help it unfold.
So, a new year, a new outlook, and hopefully continued health in order to develop my new ideas!!!!!
What's new in your life!!!!?????
Monday, December 31, 2012
2013...Another year of life!!!!!
Well made it through Christmas and I have to admit although I was not looking forward to it....it turned out quite nice. It was quiet, but joyful and that is what is important. I was healthy. I had my daughter here, my friends close by and even got some really super gifts. Have absolutely nothing to complain about but I have to admit....not calling Mom on Christmas Day was different. I did speak with her (and Dad) but was able to do so without the use of technology......heart to heart!
So, now I sit and await the New Year....only hours away. Assuming I will make it unless there is some terrible traumatic event before midnight. 2013, a year that I thought in many ways would have come and gone without me. Just proves that one never knows how much time we have on this earth, so we better not waste it worrying that we might die. I think a lot of people spend their lives like that, even healthy people. Afraid to do this or that because something might happen. I know the feeling, I am human and worry too, but I decided many years ago to turn that thinking around. Instead of worrying about what might happen, I say what if it doesn't happen.
I find that we always seem to focus on the actual things that have happened and not so much on the things that could've but didn't. How many times in the past week or so, did an accident not happened. Phew, that was close!.... How many times in the recent past did you almost fall but didn't....Phew!
How many times do we know of someone who was really sick and should have died but didn't.....for me I know one especially close individual in my life.....ME. I think it is time that we make a decision when we find ourselves worrying about all the bad things that might happen if we do something, we instead think of all the good things that might happen when we do it. Or, what about the whole myriad of things that could happen if we chose NOT to do something.
Lately I have been reminded of the anxiety that I felt shortly after diagnoses. I was anxious about everything. I was scared of everything. I was so terrified of dying that I just wanted to sit on my couch and watch life go by.....it was much too dangerous to actually go out and live it because.....OMG I might die. I am not laughing when I say this....many people suffered from anxiety and it keeps them from actually living. It took me a long time to admit that this was happening and to seek help after I had cancer. When I finally did, I found out that over 40% of cancer patients suffer severe anxiety attacks and panic attacks after diagnoses. No one told me this before hand.....might have helped but then again denial runs deep within my veins so it might not have either.
Moral of the story, if you are anxious about life, seek help. Their are drugs, psychologists, GP's, and even other counsellors that can help you though it. Recently, I found myself going down that same path but today I know that I don't have to. I have my own coping mechanisms, and so I put them in place and work at moving out of myself and living life. Today, I put my hiking boots on and went for a nice long walk....ended up having to buy new boots b/c 10 minutes out I had a blister. It was a great excuse to turn around and go back inside, but I knew that wasn't the answer. I went and bought new boots and continued my trek. Hopefully, I will keep this up and walking will again be a big part of my life. I love to walk, but I haven't been doing it........
Life isn't easy, it isn't even simple sometimes but it is important enough to put all our energies into living it for whatever time we have......so this year, 2013, I will continue to live my life even though 11 years ago I thought I didn't have one to live.....who would have guessed???? Glad I didn't sit around doing nothing these past eleven years.....boy that would have made for a very long and boring life. So here's to 2013, to whatever it brings, as long as I am on this side of the sun, I will live, live, live.....God bless to everyone and may the blessings of the New Year be more than you ever imagined!
So, now I sit and await the New Year....only hours away. Assuming I will make it unless there is some terrible traumatic event before midnight. 2013, a year that I thought in many ways would have come and gone without me. Just proves that one never knows how much time we have on this earth, so we better not waste it worrying that we might die. I think a lot of people spend their lives like that, even healthy people. Afraid to do this or that because something might happen. I know the feeling, I am human and worry too, but I decided many years ago to turn that thinking around. Instead of worrying about what might happen, I say what if it doesn't happen.
I find that we always seem to focus on the actual things that have happened and not so much on the things that could've but didn't. How many times in the past week or so, did an accident not happened. Phew, that was close!.... How many times in the recent past did you almost fall but didn't....Phew!
How many times do we know of someone who was really sick and should have died but didn't.....for me I know one especially close individual in my life.....ME. I think it is time that we make a decision when we find ourselves worrying about all the bad things that might happen if we do something, we instead think of all the good things that might happen when we do it. Or, what about the whole myriad of things that could happen if we chose NOT to do something.
Lately I have been reminded of the anxiety that I felt shortly after diagnoses. I was anxious about everything. I was scared of everything. I was so terrified of dying that I just wanted to sit on my couch and watch life go by.....it was much too dangerous to actually go out and live it because.....OMG I might die. I am not laughing when I say this....many people suffered from anxiety and it keeps them from actually living. It took me a long time to admit that this was happening and to seek help after I had cancer. When I finally did, I found out that over 40% of cancer patients suffer severe anxiety attacks and panic attacks after diagnoses. No one told me this before hand.....might have helped but then again denial runs deep within my veins so it might not have either.
Moral of the story, if you are anxious about life, seek help. Their are drugs, psychologists, GP's, and even other counsellors that can help you though it. Recently, I found myself going down that same path but today I know that I don't have to. I have my own coping mechanisms, and so I put them in place and work at moving out of myself and living life. Today, I put my hiking boots on and went for a nice long walk....ended up having to buy new boots b/c 10 minutes out I had a blister. It was a great excuse to turn around and go back inside, but I knew that wasn't the answer. I went and bought new boots and continued my trek. Hopefully, I will keep this up and walking will again be a big part of my life. I love to walk, but I haven't been doing it........
Life isn't easy, it isn't even simple sometimes but it is important enough to put all our energies into living it for whatever time we have......so this year, 2013, I will continue to live my life even though 11 years ago I thought I didn't have one to live.....who would have guessed???? Glad I didn't sit around doing nothing these past eleven years.....boy that would have made for a very long and boring life. So here's to 2013, to whatever it brings, as long as I am on this side of the sun, I will live, live, live.....God bless to everyone and may the blessings of the New Year be more than you ever imagined!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Christmas'........
Two sleeps to go and Santa, I mean Jesus, will be here. Not trying to be irreverent just a little silly.
Haven't felt much like writing this week with all the sadness on the news. Seems to have found a soft spot in my own soul so have been keeping it low and just knitting gifts for Christmas, and holding my blessings (read daughter) close as there will be many this year who's child will not be with them.
Who would have thought eleven years ago that I would be celebrating Christmas 2012!!!! I have nothing but thankfulness in my heart that I may still wrap presents, shop for turkey, and even shovel the walk. I look at my little shitzu, who is also eleven and remember that I got her for my daughter so she wouldn't be too lonely when I was gone. Now, we both sit in front of the fireplace, trying to keep our old bones warm and just relax. She having aged in many ways much faster than me of course.
Well, I will wish everyone a very Blessed Christmas with family and/or friends. For those who are facing a difficult time this year, remember you are not alone. It is times like these that we are given a chance to reflect on all the other Christmas' and maybe make some slight changes in our lives so that the ones we are able to celebrate might be a bit more memorable. I remember many of my childhood Christmas' and have to smile at how long ago they were. In my mind they seem like just yesterday.
Merry Christmas to all........and to all a good night!!!!!
Haven't felt much like writing this week with all the sadness on the news. Seems to have found a soft spot in my own soul so have been keeping it low and just knitting gifts for Christmas, and holding my blessings (read daughter) close as there will be many this year who's child will not be with them.
Who would have thought eleven years ago that I would be celebrating Christmas 2012!!!! I have nothing but thankfulness in my heart that I may still wrap presents, shop for turkey, and even shovel the walk. I look at my little shitzu, who is also eleven and remember that I got her for my daughter so she wouldn't be too lonely when I was gone. Now, we both sit in front of the fireplace, trying to keep our old bones warm and just relax. She having aged in many ways much faster than me of course.
Well, I will wish everyone a very Blessed Christmas with family and/or friends. For those who are facing a difficult time this year, remember you are not alone. It is times like these that we are given a chance to reflect on all the other Christmas' and maybe make some slight changes in our lives so that the ones we are able to celebrate might be a bit more memorable. I remember many of my childhood Christmas' and have to smile at how long ago they were. In my mind they seem like just yesterday.
Merry Christmas to all........and to all a good night!!!!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
What's the Point?.... (Part II)
So to continue the saga of What's the Point .....
Well, I made the decision that it was appropriate now that the tree was up to decorate it. It wasn't as easy a task as it normally is. Having to go through the various decoration, many which had been given to me by my mother over the years was stressful. I could feel the tension in my shoulders and back as I would reach for different bobbles and place them on the tree. It was a bit of a struggle but in the end I was happy with the result......
So this little corner of my house looks very festive. I did also make a decision that this was all that I would do....based on energy levels I had to realize that accepting my limitations is also a choice!!!!!
Christmas is a time to reflect. It is not necessarily an easy time because often it brings to mind, people, events, memories that are hard to think about, but ultimately it is a time to look at our lives and count the blessings. Not something we do very often in our society. We tend to be looking more at what we don't have, or what we can't have, rather than all the things, people, gifts that we already have. After this past week, with the tragedy that unfolded in Newtown, CT....I think just thanking God that my daughter is safe, has been able to grown up, is in itself my greatest blessing.
I wasn't going to write about this event but I have to make one comment. I have cancer, and I have an incredible support system in place both personally and medically in order that I can deal with this disease. There is no stigma attached to my disease. I cannot say the same for all those millions of people who suffer from mental illness. Although there are people, and places that are willing to help people with mental illness, it is such a stigma in our society that many will never get the help they need. I believe that this young man suffered from mental illness. It does not dismiss, or trivialize the terrible acts that he did, but we must realize that he is not the Evil people talk about. The evil is the disease, just as cancer is evil. This makes it much harder to just pontificate about evil....it forces us to stop, and look, and then commit ourselves to finding an answer......otherwise we just ignore it till it happens, Again. So I pray for this young man's soul, that God will forgive him, I pray for his father who is grieving the loss of both his son and his wife. I also pray for all in Newtown that they will find the strength to heal, which at this point as a parent I can't even imagine how one does that!!!!!!
So, as we come to the Season of Joy, let us hug our loved ones a little tighter, smile at the stranger on the street, and give thanks for everything we already have. May this season bless everyone with joy, love, and compassion.
Well, I made the decision that it was appropriate now that the tree was up to decorate it. It wasn't as easy a task as it normally is. Having to go through the various decoration, many which had been given to me by my mother over the years was stressful. I could feel the tension in my shoulders and back as I would reach for different bobbles and place them on the tree. It was a bit of a struggle but in the end I was happy with the result......
Christmas is a time to reflect. It is not necessarily an easy time because often it brings to mind, people, events, memories that are hard to think about, but ultimately it is a time to look at our lives and count the blessings. Not something we do very often in our society. We tend to be looking more at what we don't have, or what we can't have, rather than all the things, people, gifts that we already have. After this past week, with the tragedy that unfolded in Newtown, CT....I think just thanking God that my daughter is safe, has been able to grown up, is in itself my greatest blessing.
I wasn't going to write about this event but I have to make one comment. I have cancer, and I have an incredible support system in place both personally and medically in order that I can deal with this disease. There is no stigma attached to my disease. I cannot say the same for all those millions of people who suffer from mental illness. Although there are people, and places that are willing to help people with mental illness, it is such a stigma in our society that many will never get the help they need. I believe that this young man suffered from mental illness. It does not dismiss, or trivialize the terrible acts that he did, but we must realize that he is not the Evil people talk about. The evil is the disease, just as cancer is evil. This makes it much harder to just pontificate about evil....it forces us to stop, and look, and then commit ourselves to finding an answer......otherwise we just ignore it till it happens, Again. So I pray for this young man's soul, that God will forgive him, I pray for his father who is grieving the loss of both his son and his wife. I also pray for all in Newtown that they will find the strength to heal, which at this point as a parent I can't even imagine how one does that!!!!!!
So, as we come to the Season of Joy, let us hug our loved ones a little tighter, smile at the stranger on the street, and give thanks for everything we already have. May this season bless everyone with joy, love, and compassion.
Friday, December 14, 2012
What's the point?
Lately, I have a real theme in my life....choices. It seems that every time I turn around the last little while I have been talking about choices and how our whole life is essentially made up of them.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, we do is not a choice. From getting up in the morning, to eating, to loving or liking someone, everything we do is a choice. It may not necessarily seem that way but we are always choosing between one thing or another. We choose what we do with what we feel not necessarily the feelings. But doing something can change the feelings for good or for bad. If we are nice to people we feel calm, peaceful, if we are nasty we feel unsettled, anxious....so doing and feeling have a correlation.
That does not mean that these choices are easy. Some are, like eating.....I never have a problem with choosing to eat...I love to eat and many times I eat things I know I should CHOOSE not to eat....how about you? Yea figured as much! There are others that aren't as simple though but by making the 'right' choice our life will be much happier, more peaceful, ultimately more joyful.
An example in point is how we look at the Christmas season. Whatever your particular religion or philosophy, this is a time of year that we can choose to be joyful and happy....at least for a few weeks. I haven't really felt that joyful the past few months and Christmas has been looming ahead of me. Some of how I am feeling is physical, which always gets my 'spidey' senses up and I do begin to wonder what is really going on. Well next week is my doctor's appointment so we will deal with those things then. The other is a sense of 'what's the point'?????? We all know that feeling.
For instance, do I put up a tree this year? What's the point, I live on my own so no one is going to see it most of the time? Well, the point is that without the tree I will be able to avoid recognizing that it is Christmas time. So, I force myself to put the tree up. Then the creche comes out and I assemble that. While doing this I feel myself remembering some nice memories. So the tree is up, not yet decorated, the manger is under the tree awaiting Jesus' birth for the 2012 time approximately. The fireplace is on and I sit in front of it and knit. It was glorious!!!!
Will I choose to do anymore? Who knows, but I do know that whatever I choose to do will determine how I feel about myself. So ....What's the point?......the point is how do you WANT to feel not how DO you feel. If you want to feel differently then you have to do something different.
Sounds easy.....not really it might take a lot of energy and force.....but either way you are going to expend that energy so it may as well be in a positive way......DO IT and see what happens!!!!
Off to my chair, my knitting, my undecorated but lighted Christmas tree, my cats and dog sleeping beside and underneath the tree......who couldn't feel just a little bit of the Joy of the Season!!!!!!
Nothing, absolutely nothing, we do is not a choice. From getting up in the morning, to eating, to loving or liking someone, everything we do is a choice. It may not necessarily seem that way but we are always choosing between one thing or another. We choose what we do with what we feel not necessarily the feelings. But doing something can change the feelings for good or for bad. If we are nice to people we feel calm, peaceful, if we are nasty we feel unsettled, anxious....so doing and feeling have a correlation.
That does not mean that these choices are easy. Some are, like eating.....I never have a problem with choosing to eat...I love to eat and many times I eat things I know I should CHOOSE not to eat....how about you? Yea figured as much! There are others that aren't as simple though but by making the 'right' choice our life will be much happier, more peaceful, ultimately more joyful.
An example in point is how we look at the Christmas season. Whatever your particular religion or philosophy, this is a time of year that we can choose to be joyful and happy....at least for a few weeks. I haven't really felt that joyful the past few months and Christmas has been looming ahead of me. Some of how I am feeling is physical, which always gets my 'spidey' senses up and I do begin to wonder what is really going on. Well next week is my doctor's appointment so we will deal with those things then. The other is a sense of 'what's the point'?????? We all know that feeling.
For instance, do I put up a tree this year? What's the point, I live on my own so no one is going to see it most of the time? Well, the point is that without the tree I will be able to avoid recognizing that it is Christmas time. So, I force myself to put the tree up. Then the creche comes out and I assemble that. While doing this I feel myself remembering some nice memories. So the tree is up, not yet decorated, the manger is under the tree awaiting Jesus' birth for the 2012 time approximately. The fireplace is on and I sit in front of it and knit. It was glorious!!!!
Will I choose to do anymore? Who knows, but I do know that whatever I choose to do will determine how I feel about myself. So ....What's the point?......the point is how do you WANT to feel not how DO you feel. If you want to feel differently then you have to do something different.
Sounds easy.....not really it might take a lot of energy and force.....but either way you are going to expend that energy so it may as well be in a positive way......DO IT and see what happens!!!!
Off to my chair, my knitting, my undecorated but lighted Christmas tree, my cats and dog sleeping beside and underneath the tree......who couldn't feel just a little bit of the Joy of the Season!!!!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Miracles in the moments of your life......
OMG.....look at that a middle aged woman using Y generation language to express excitement....but I digress. The most amazing thing happened today. It is moments like this that I realize how blessed I am to live in the moment of my life and not get wrapped up in all the busyness of the world. As I have said many times before, cancer is NOT a blessing, no way no how .....but there are blessings in my life because I have been taken to the abyss and know that I must live every moment that I have in order to make my life worthwhile. Well today again proved my point.......
Sitting having coffee, quietly watching the world go by I saw the most amazing thing. All of a sudden right past my kitchen window flies a very large bird.....I know instinctively that it is a baby hawk. I have a huge walnut tree in my backyard and just know that he/she has landed in it. I run to the back door, in pajamas and bare feet and look out and up and There she is! But she sounds sad. She is making the most woeful (is that a word) sound. Maybe she's looking for her mother?
I go outside and look up and she is just sitting in the tree making this noise. That is when the most incredible thing happens.....a little black squirrel climbs up the tree toward her. I am a little concerned because I think that 'oh no, she's going to eat her'....not the squirrel the hawk you know what I mean....but no the squirrel goes right up beside her and just looks at her. I think she heard that sad sound too and was going to see what was the matter. They just looked at each other for a minute and then the hawk moved to a higher branch and sat again. And again the squirrel began to climb....then she flew off. I just stood there thinking this is beautiful....I have been so blessed to be a part of this moment which on many levels is so simple but so profound.
I didn't get a picture, because I have realized that running into the house to grab my camera is NOT living in the moment. You not only don't get a picture but you end up missing the whole thing. So I have the picture in my head, the memory in my heart, to relive anytime I want .
Thank you God for allowing me to recognize that we only see miracles when we live in the moment....each moment has its own story so live there and allow yourself to write your own blessed scriptures of your unique and special life. Thank you hawk and squirrel I am smiling because of you today......
Sitting having coffee, quietly watching the world go by I saw the most amazing thing. All of a sudden right past my kitchen window flies a very large bird.....I know instinctively that it is a baby hawk. I have a huge walnut tree in my backyard and just know that he/she has landed in it. I run to the back door, in pajamas and bare feet and look out and up and There she is! But she sounds sad. She is making the most woeful (is that a word) sound. Maybe she's looking for her mother?
I go outside and look up and she is just sitting in the tree making this noise. That is when the most incredible thing happens.....a little black squirrel climbs up the tree toward her. I am a little concerned because I think that 'oh no, she's going to eat her'....not the squirrel the hawk you know what I mean....but no the squirrel goes right up beside her and just looks at her. I think she heard that sad sound too and was going to see what was the matter. They just looked at each other for a minute and then the hawk moved to a higher branch and sat again. And again the squirrel began to climb....then she flew off. I just stood there thinking this is beautiful....I have been so blessed to be a part of this moment which on many levels is so simple but so profound.
I didn't get a picture, because I have realized that running into the house to grab my camera is NOT living in the moment. You not only don't get a picture but you end up missing the whole thing. So I have the picture in my head, the memory in my heart, to relive anytime I want .
Thank you God for allowing me to recognize that we only see miracles when we live in the moment....each moment has its own story so live there and allow yourself to write your own blessed scriptures of your unique and special life. Thank you hawk and squirrel I am smiling because of you today......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)