May not be a good time to write, but part of this exercise is to have a place to put my thoughts. I am very tired. I think not being in my own home with my own stuff has something to do with it, plus the fact that I have cancer growing in me probably doesn't help the situation. I just think in some ways I may have taken on more than I can chew at a time like this. Also, I haven't told my mother that the cancer is back and have decided that maybe I won't at this point. I have feelings of quilt for not, knowing as a mother how I would feel if my daughter kept something like that from me. The other side is, at her age and the way she worries it would almost seem wrong to put her through it at this time. If and when I have to re-start treatment of course I would let her know but for the time being I think I will 'leave lying dogs lay" or laying dogs lie whichever the saying is!!!!!
This decision is partly self serving too. I won't have to put up with the "how are your feeling" and are you "tired" comments that would be continual. What I realize is that nothing is set in stone on how you do these things, no one way being the only way. It is important to see both points of view and decide not only for the benefit of others but also where I am emotionally in the process. Life's decisions as always can be very complicated......
So that is my sage advice, wisdom whatever for today.....off to do things around the place as there is noone this time to do these things.......not as much of a holiday as I had thought!!!!!!!! But we won't tell anyone.....shhhhhhhh
2 comments:
I, too, did not tell my mother until I absolutely had to (i.e. surgery) as I did not want her to worry. I even got through work without anyone but those few I told knowing. Like you, I did not want the constant "how are you" - just wanted life to go on as it was. I also justified that there were many people who were suffering worse things than I, and I would not invite self-pity. We all miss you at LRM - your name comes up frequently...AND if you want to know in what context that would be, you will just have to return to us soon!
You have no idea how much I wished I hadn't had to tell ANYONE that I had cancer - one ends up supporting rather a lot of very well meaning people, by being constantly cheerful [ugh] and endlessly positive...I applaud your decision. Until you have to, why bother? It's exhausting.
Hope you feel better soon.
x
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