The Day Before Syndrome

Driving down a familiar road is usually a mindless task and that is sort of how I have been feeling lately - familiar but mindless....but the bus has taken a bit of a detour and the road isn't going to be very smooth for the next little bit.   Just warning the passengers that maybe you might consider getting off before we get to our immediate destination.....its going to be a real downer!!!!!

Have you ever noticed that you can be thinking that everything is fine, and that you are in total control of your emotions and thoughts and then BANG....you go back in time to a completely different place.   Well today that  happened.  Not that this feeling is anything new or out of the ordinary for me.  It has been happening about once every three months or so for the past nine and a half years.    The DAY BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT day.   Even when I was healthy, and knew that I was feeling great,the day before would come and all of a sudden I would second guess how I was feeling and worry that maybe things were going on inside that I knew nothing about.   It is like a torrent of thoughts and sometimes even physical feelings that you just can't seem to get past.   There have been months. years even, that have transpired without any kind of problem and still the day before my regular check-up all the horrible thoughts come ....sometimes just old tapes from previous times but mostly the 'maybe's' and the 'what if's'.

Tomorrow I go to the Cancer Clinic and see the doctor I know pretty much ever thing that will take place and what we will talk about.   Still I hate the feelings that I will get as I walk into the clinic...my heart goes a little faster, my blood pressure I am sure rises, and I even get a little sweaty.   I try really hard to walk with my head held high and exude confidence as if this is no big deal and nothing out of the ordinary.  When you think about it, it isn't really out of the ordinary anymore.  It has actually become a regular occurrence in my life and you would think that I would be fine with it.   BUT NO, I still hate it and I know that no matter how I look, my insides are turning upside down the whole time.  I  bring my knitting or a book to pass the time but no one knows that I never read a page or even knit a row.  I just look like I do.   So tomorrow we do it again.    I have come to the point that I know if I don't take something b/f bedtime I will toss and turn all night.   So, I will take my drugs, read a little and then fall in to a fitful sleep.   This time, more so than others ,because again I must deal with the reality that those terrible cells have refused to die like they are suppose to.   The tumor is there, it has probably grown since the last visit, and now we must decide on a plan.   I hate the day before sometimes more than the day of.........

Well, for those of you still on the bus we have a long day booked for tomorrow.  First, we will all stop at Timmie's and top up on lots of coffee...then we will park for hours waiting at the clinic and then who knows  maybe we will take a joy ride later in the day just to unwind.    So, buckle up, (yes we have installed seat belts) and hang on this ride may prove to be a rocky one for the next little while.   I must admit I do enjoy knowing that there are some passengers on the bus with me....and remember no talking to the driver....well maybe a few whispers on the way home......