Walking, but in a new way !

March 19th, two months exactly to the day that I had my last surgery!

Hard to believe in many ways that it has been that long, but in other ways seems like such a short time.    In the past I would be almost back to normal....what ever that is, but not now.    There is no 'normal' to return to.....except a completely 'new normal'.   I am still trying to just get my energy back and learn how to get around.   This one was different.    The lasting effects are now visual, which means a whole new way of dealing with it.   Previous surgeries were solely inside and under garments so that I could get away with looking like nothing happened at least to those who I didn't know.

Not any more.   I now have a leg brace and a walker...definitely a noticeable change.    I don't think I realized how vain I was before.    Not too thrilled about this new appendature !    You see my cancer had travelled, or as the doctors like to say 'invaded', the bone.   This necessitated the removal of my Illiac crest, femoral nerve, and psoas muscle on my right leg.   For most these may not even be familiar but they are the essential parts of your upper thigh and pelvic bones that allow you to lift and move your leg forward.    I no longer have that ability and it is permanent.   So I walk with the aid of a brace and walker/cane.    As I write this, I feel like I am complaining and maybe I am.    I know that I will get used to this new way of moving and I will overcome it but I have to admit I think this may be the hardest time in my life.    I have actually wondered if I have taken this fight too far this time.  You see this was not really anticipated when discussing the possible consequences of the surgery.  It was believed that I would have minor nerve/muscle damage and a rebuilt hip....neither of which happened.   The tumour was more extensive and therefore there was more resection needed.   Had I known would I have gone through with it?       Then I am reminded of my beautiful daughter and granddaughter and realize there can never be a 'too far' as long as I get to enjoy them.

It doesn't mean that I don't resent this stage of my life.   It only means that I will overcome that resentment and learn to live in a new way.    Life is a journey of both good and bad, and the attitude we take to it determines how we deal with what comes our way.   I remember when I was the mother of a young child, no car, and having to take the bus in the freezing cold.   I never really thought about how hard and onerous that must have seemed to others watching, I just did what was necessary.  When I look back on that time I laugh at how naïve I was.  I  just did what I had to do, but it does seem like an awful lot of work!!!  So, in the same vein as that, I will again just do what I have to do and not think to much about it.   Maybe in a few years I will look back and be surprised but now I don't have the time to do that.

So, surgery is done.   For all intents and purposes it was successful.   So right now at this minute I am cancer free and healthier than I have been in a long time.   I no longer have the horrible pain I had before surgery and not only that but I missed the coldest winter on record.   As spring rounds the corner and the snow melts, I will begin my new life with a bit of a limp but still some spunk in my step.    Especially with Maize at my side.    

Humbled beyond belief...........

Sunday night and I am sitting just waiting.   It's like when you are going on a trip and you are waiting for the flight to leave.   I am one of those that always arrives way too early and then sits and anxiously waits for things to get moving.    Well, it's not much different now.   There is something to be said for the 'old' days where they made you go to the hospital the night before.   Then you were there, they gave you good sleeping pills and just rolled you out in the morning.   Now, don't get me wrong, the shaving thing was no fun and I am glad it has gone the same way as bloodletting, but at least I would be there and maybe even unconscious!!!!!

So, I sit and wait.   May even drink a coffee before midnight cause if I don't sleep tonight I will make up for it tomorrow....not like I need to have my wits about me :)

I have to say that among the various thoughts and feelings that I have been having over the past few days I am also feeling extremely humbled and overwhelmed (in a good way).    The people who have called, dropped in, send texts, e-mails, cards .....offered prayers, rosaries and Masses,  offered to look after pets and taken them  in has been incredible.   Never have I felt so tightly held by so many wonderful friends and family.    It is the most amazing feeling to know that to so many you are important.    If we could all feel this all the time what a wonderful world we would live in.    To be held up in prayer and good thoughts and so many offering best wishes and good luck......

It's so nice to know that I am loved!

I am anxious for tomorrow, I would be crazy not to be, but I am also very much at peace.    I feel that no matter what happens 'all will be well'.   There is no better place to be at a time like this.

To each and every person who has thought of me, prayed for me and offered help, food and support of every kind I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.    For my daughter to see this gives her incredible hope and peace as well.   You have blessed us in ways that you will never know, but you have changed me at my very being in ways that I cannot express.

Tomorrow is out of my hands.....but I know that I am in God's hands through the people in my life and that is a wonderful feeling......see you on the other side of surgery :)

Life outside......

So I have decided to write another post.   I feel like Cher on her farewell tour.....I think I saw her second or third one.....oh well we never know when we will actually say farewell.

So, the week has gotten somewhat better.   Have learnt to take pain meds on a regular basis if just to take the edge off the pain.    I hate meds especially because there are all the other side effects that go with them.  It seems that Tylenol3 is my medication of choice, and I am able to stay awake now that my body is becoming accustomed to it.    How my liver is doing is any one's guess?    Milk Thistle is the med I take to hopefully detoxify my liver.

So I am beginning to feel a bit better.   It is still a very difficult time, and the pain is exhausting.   I realized that through all of this journey I have not really suffered pain from the cancer.    It has most often been post surgery and chemotherapy.   It is very different when you realize that your body is hurting because some mutating cell is taking over a part of you.     It makes me think it is eating into the very fabric of my body and that the pain is my poor body trying its best to fight back.

Today, I had to go for more tests in order to get ready for surgery.   Saturday morning is not the day you want to be having tests done at a hospital.   The staff is very few and far between and lack of communication seems to be the standard.    All the staff were pleasant, but had I not been a bit pushy I would probably still be sitting on some 2nd floor wing waiting for the department to open.....Monday at 6:30 am.

I got a friend to drive so I wouldn't have to walk any great distance, but I ended up walking a marathon in the hospital.   I was sent to one desk, who then sent me upstairs to another reception area, which was closed.   I returned to the first floor to be told "well I don't know, I guess you will have to go back and wait till they open".....the sign on the door said Monday!!!!   I mentioned this and she said "no someone will be there cause you have an appointment"......I then informed her that there is no where to sit up there and I can't stand.   She agreed to let me sit in her area and she would doing some calling.   Well ten minutes later she comes and says...."You have to go to Emergency cause the charge nurse for that department is delayed and won't be in till 10:30 am....it was 7:00 am at this point.   Thank goodness I didn't go back upstairs!!!!   She informed me that she had spoken to Emerg and they would do the CScan.   Off I trudged down hallways, around corners through doors that said Staff Only....to the back of Emerg.    They had no idea what I was talking about....but they figured it out.   My fear was I was going to have to sit and wait in Emergency for the scan....the sign said 5-8 hour wait for non-life threatening issues.....don't thing a pre opt scan is life threatening.   Just a note:   the department was completely empty except for a young couple waiting to be seen.......????????

So had my scan and was on my way at 7:30am.     I was so grumpy mainly because I hadn't had coffee yet but also I was hurting and all that walking wasn't helping.  I figured that if it got any more confusing I was just going to tell them I had decided not to have the scan and leave.   What were they going to do CANCEL MY SURGERY !!!!   I think not......

So the crazy journey continues but there have been some bright lights this week too.   Friends dropping by for visits, to help walk the dog, bringing yummy food to keep me strong for surgery, and even a Reiki treatment that made the world of difference.     As horrible as I have felt all week, and I have felt awful, I still realize that I am a very blessed person.   From my granddaughter's smiling face when she comes in the door, to my daughter's helpfulness and cheerfulness, to friends that take time out of their busy day to call, text or visit I have many good things in my life.  

Life is about looking at the good stuff and just trying to work through the bad.     No matter how you look at it there will always be more good than bad, sometimes you just have to brush away the muck to see it.     Cancer sucks, but life is good.

So this may or may not be my last post prior to surgery.   I am feeling much better than I did on Tuesday and so if the urge grabs me I may write again.     Thanks to all for your support you will never know how much it means just to hear a hi, see a text or get an email......there is life outside these walls :)

Last post till post surgery!

I am writing this post Christmas. I had a great holiday and am grateful for that.  The past week has not been so good.     I have spend the past four years writing about my journey with cancer and feel in many ways I had no idea what I was talking about.    I have had times when I was not well or felt tired but never have I felt this much pain.    My cancer has taken over my every minute.   I can't read, knit, watch t.v. or anything.   How people live in this condition for long periods of time is far beyond my ability to imagine.    Bone pain must be the worst pain ......nothing seems to completely alleviate it.

I struggle each day just to try and find the middle ground between bearable pain and sleep.   A funny aside is that if you actually read the side effects and all the warnings on the pain meds you would wonder how anyone would even take them.    You can suffer from so many more life threatening ailments than the pain you are trying to alleviate....the pain seems the minor of the two.   

Then there are the other issues that ensue because of the medication, so you have to take medication to keep all the other bodily functions going.   

So, for now I will wait for surgery, and not attempt to write this blog anymore.   I feel that I have been naïve in what I believed to be a tough journey.   So, far I feel that I have been blessed with little pain and just fatigue.   I am now making up for it.

Please forgive me for stepping away from the world for the time being.    I am not able to tolerate much these days so I am staying close to home.    My daughter is being an angel and I don't know how I could go through this without her.    Prayers are needed if for nothing else but to allow me to sleep for the next week and a half.

Christmas miracles .....

So it's Christmas time!   Not really feeling it which isn't normal for me .   I love Christmas but this year it just seems to be overwhelming me.    I think the body can only handle so much whether it's good or bad .    I have been procrastinating doing anything and yet at the same time I know this is my first Christmas with my granddaughter ..... That is fun .... Just the energy levels,the pain, the stress of the surgery seems to press down like a weight .   I get up and think ok today I will decorate, or shop, or wrap then I sit down and it doesn't happen!!!!!!    Well the universe has conspired to make me move :)

God intervened through those around me:

A good friend helped me finish a special gift which started me looking forward to the season.    Then a friend gave me a very nice gift to share with my family .    So again, I am being directed towards the Christmas spirit.    Then I lost the gift :(.  I searched, retraced steps, prayed to St. Anthony (the patron saint of lost things) , then finally let it go ....  No point obsessing over it .... It's gone .    Two days later another friend comes to me and says "look what I found".  There in her hand is my lost gift.   The story of it coming into her hands is bizarre but suffice it to say ..... It was a miracle .... A Christmas miracle.    Then, a friend decides to visit and while here convinces me to haul out a few decorations, put up a small tree and VOILA..    I am inspired!     So Christmas will take place this year and I will participate ..... Sometimes you just need a little divine intervention through the love and kindness of friends .

I am still tired and overwhelmed about the future, but for the next little while I will live in the moment and enjoy the season ..... Count my blessings and find joy in what today has to offer.

I am a very blessed woman in so many ways :)

Lesson in Relativity......

I recently had a very good lesson in the 'theory of relativity'......It was very eye opening!

On November 5, I learned that my cancer had metastasized to the hip which was a surprise for everyone, doctors included, as it was not even on our radar.   To say I was devastated is an understatement.    I was more upset about this news than I had been about the first two diagnosis.....it felt like a death knell.   Then, on November 28th, I saw an ortho surgeon who explained to me that he could resect the hip bone and rebuild it but first he wanted a bone scan.   The purpose of the bone scan was to see if the cancer had travelled anywhere else in the skeletal system.   The reason this was necessary was that if it had, the surgery would not change the outcome.    Oh.....so now I feel even worse....omg this might just be the end of the journey as far as possible treatments.    For two weeks I waited under a cloud of very heavy and black foreboding.    It was awful.   I was told it might be a month before the bone scan.   How was I going to wait that long and then again for results?   One day later I got a call, bone scan was scheduled for December 3 and a return appointment for results on December 9....the irony is that made me even more nervous because they were moving so fast.    Even the doctors were worried....Yikes....poor medical system they can't win:)


So Tuesday December 9th I returned to the ortho doctor to get my results.    No spots seen anywhere else!!!!    Yippee it is ONLY in my hip!    What a change from November 5 when I thought that was the worst news.   Now it seemed to be the best news.     IT IS ALL RELATIVE!!!!!!!

So, there is cheering on the bus.....everyone is allowed to yell, scream, and laugh as loud as you like.
The news is good......only hip metastasis...who would have thought I would be cheering this news.

Now, we wait for surgery.    Not till early January so it will be a great Christmas.   I decided on the way home yesterday that I WILL put up a tree.....and hopefully my 'little' puppy won't take it down!

I am excited for the holidays and can feel the difference in my body of how the news changed my stress levels.   My daughter said that she physically saw me relax as the doctor gave me the news.  News that a few weeks earlier had made me stressed out now made me relax.    Life can be very funny sometimes.

It will be a tough surgery and after hearing all the gory details yesterday of how and what they will do, I did have a few bad moments last evening as I was drifting off to sleep.   All the risks and what ifs....but I pushed them aside and began to imagine the upcoming days of Christmas with my beautiful granddaughter and her amazing parents.   I am blessed in so many ways how can I not be joyful.

Life is not always what we want or expect....but sometimes we need to put it all in perspective and focus on the good stuff.   January will come and it will be tough, but for now I will take good drugs, feel happy and blessed, and enjoy the moment.......

My prayer for everyone is that what ever Christmas is this year.....find the nugget of joy in your lives and make it the focus of the season........remember God is with us.......during this season and forever!

Living "today".....

I wrote this sometime ago but felt it very much applied to what I have been trying to feel these past weeks.    It hasn't been easy but there is a truth in trying to live in this attitude.   It was good to be reminded that I have struggled before and overcome it, so perhaps this time will be similar.    If not then at least I haven't wasted today.

Originally posted in December 2010:

It is very good to take time and recognize the blessings that we have been given.  Even if it is only to be able to rise from our beds and walk to the kitchen.  Or put our coat and boots on and go for a walk in the evening mist.   Often these things seem so natural, that we forget that some no longer have that ability.  To take a simple walk, eat a good meal, or spend a few hours without any form of pain or discomfort, that alone is gift.   I know  that I have struggles ahead and perhaps even challenges that I don't want to face,  but today, I am fine.  Today, I can look after myself, participate in the daily grind of living without too much discomfort.   Today, I will enjoy the simple things in my life and not worry about what might come later on.  Today is all that really counts because in the end none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.   I will go with how I feel today and live that to the fullest.   Tomorrow will take care of itself, and yesterday is gone.   Thank you God for the gifts of today, and for the awareness to appreciate them and to use them to their full potential.   Bless all those who have less than myself, and may they find peace and some joy amidst their pain and suffering.   Bless those who minister to loved ones in their illness, may peace surround them during this difficult time.   And most of all allow all to rest and regenerate so that tomorrow may bring some form of hope for a future!