I have decided that the only positive thing about funerals are the little salmon salad sandwiches that you are guaranteed to get at the luncheon. No one makes those sandwiches as good as the church ladies.....
I have exhausted my reserve, and am looking to take a break from reality. I have decided that I am going to start the bus up again and I am driving. All aboard, but no negative talk....only funny stories, laughter and positive noises (that opens it up to alot of stuff, especially if purple Pam is on board) allowed for the next while. I try really hard to keep myself and those around me up, but right now I feel like my world sucks. Feeling like crap, head pounding, searching for some good news, and then the bottom falls out for my daughter....it never ends. She of course then feels that I am not there for her, but am there for everyone else. Children just don't get it sometimes! I am there for her but it's different when it comes to our own children. Everyone else, we listen to, we hug, we comfort and say things like "it will be o.k." "this too will pass", but when it comes to our own we feel the need to fix everything and make it all better. I can't do that and so when I am tired, I don't always respond well.
Today, I refuse to feel bad. I am having a very selfish day and I am willing to admit that there are times when not only do I not want to be the 'rock' in someones life....but I just am not even going to fake it.
It has been a rough time. Funerals Suck big time......and even more when you keep placing yourself in the casket and replacing the mourners with your own family members. I must say though that there was a moment when I was in awe.....at the beginning of the funeral, a little boy of about 10 came out to the sanctuary with music papers. Placed them on the piano, sat down and began to play for his Dad.....what a tribute....who wouldn't be blown away. To have the strength, and the love to want to play for Dad one more time. Then the oldest son got up and gave the eulogy....what parent couldn't be prouder of his children than one who's offspring take an active and meaningful role in their Father's funeral. The spirit of children is sometimes a brief window into the strengh that eternity offers.....if only we could all be so consumed with pleasing another as to put ourselves at the most difficult time into a place that most would run from.
So, as I end my day, I tip my hat to those boys, and I realize that even in the midst of tragedy, God offers us a glimpse of Hope in the future......................
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Reflection.....necessary but not easy!
Here I am finally!...I seem to be avoiding writing the past little while. It is like a pall has come over me and yet in many ways it is not really about me. There seems to be a darkness that surrounds me, and at the same time I feel almost narcissistic acknowledging it. I know that life happens even when your own life seems to be in chaos. What bothers me, is that right now I want to celebrate my life and it seems that all around me life is ending. As much as I want to move away I know that I can't. These people are important to me and I owe it to both them and myself to support and comfort. them. The problem is that many times, in the quiet moments alone, I feel like it is a foreboding of what is to come in my own life.
That does sound a bit melodramatic, and I do know that eventually I will die. It is very difficult to explain, although I think anyone who has dealt with cancer or any other serious illness that may be terminal knows what I am trying to say. On the one hand, you want to be a part of the everyday, which unfortunately includes the sadness and loss, yet there is a part of you that wants to block that out because it resonates too much within your own being. When I attend a funeral, I see myself there. I see the mourners as my family and friends. On another side, my mind is looking at the funeral and determining what parts I would like in my own and what parts I would take out. I am now a funeral critic!!!! It is a very complicated mix of emotions. Needless to say, I don't want to attend funerals. The irony is, that because of my professional career, it is a constant in my life, both at a professional level as well as a personal level. I used to be able to put my 'chaplain' hat on and go through it without too much anguish, but I can't seem to do that anymore. My own funeral seems to close, especially at these times.
Interestingly, I was given a real window into my own feelings recently. I was looking after a friends 10 year old niece who was too upset to go to her grandmother's funeral, although at the time it was not that clear what was upsetting her so much. She and I remained behind to look after things at the house. During our time together we talked about her grandmother and she admitted to me quite reservedly that she really didn't want to go to the funeral b/c she wanted to remember her grandmother in happier times, which for her was at the house. Without even a thought, I blurted out "why do you think I am here too, I didn't want to go to the funeral either". She looked at me surprised (an adult who feels the same way I do) and said "you didn't want to go to the funeral either????" As if her feelings were the ones that were wrong and she shouldn't have felt that way. I told her not everyone can handle funerals and it was o.k. to say so. So, why couldn't I have just admitted it.......out of the mouths of babes God allows our truest fears to be revealed. I never really minded funerals before, I found them quiet, peaceful events where life was celebrated rather than morbid and sad. I think seeing myself in the funeral has taken that peacefulness away.
I have changed since finding out I have cancer again (or rather we can actually see it now). My doctor reminds me that I have always had the cancer just there are periods of time it isn't visible. I will continue to participate in the lives of those I care about, just as they will support and care for me when I need it. I watched the movie "Into the Wild" directed by Sean Penn yesterday and it was very reflective.....at one point it says "the softening that occurs due to the forced reflection caused by loss" (powerful statement). I am a living example of that statement. I think in many ways that is what is happening to me these days. It is not that funerals and death have not bothered me or made me uncomfortable, it is just because of my recent experiences, I have softened enough to reflect on how I really feel and actually admit it.
Life is certainly a interesting study in how the human spirit grows and evolves............
That does sound a bit melodramatic, and I do know that eventually I will die. It is very difficult to explain, although I think anyone who has dealt with cancer or any other serious illness that may be terminal knows what I am trying to say. On the one hand, you want to be a part of the everyday, which unfortunately includes the sadness and loss, yet there is a part of you that wants to block that out because it resonates too much within your own being. When I attend a funeral, I see myself there. I see the mourners as my family and friends. On another side, my mind is looking at the funeral and determining what parts I would like in my own and what parts I would take out. I am now a funeral critic!!!! It is a very complicated mix of emotions. Needless to say, I don't want to attend funerals. The irony is, that because of my professional career, it is a constant in my life, both at a professional level as well as a personal level. I used to be able to put my 'chaplain' hat on and go through it without too much anguish, but I can't seem to do that anymore. My own funeral seems to close, especially at these times.
Interestingly, I was given a real window into my own feelings recently. I was looking after a friends 10 year old niece who was too upset to go to her grandmother's funeral, although at the time it was not that clear what was upsetting her so much. She and I remained behind to look after things at the house. During our time together we talked about her grandmother and she admitted to me quite reservedly that she really didn't want to go to the funeral b/c she wanted to remember her grandmother in happier times, which for her was at the house. Without even a thought, I blurted out "why do you think I am here too, I didn't want to go to the funeral either". She looked at me surprised (an adult who feels the same way I do) and said "you didn't want to go to the funeral either????" As if her feelings were the ones that were wrong and she shouldn't have felt that way. I told her not everyone can handle funerals and it was o.k. to say so. So, why couldn't I have just admitted it.......out of the mouths of babes God allows our truest fears to be revealed. I never really minded funerals before, I found them quiet, peaceful events where life was celebrated rather than morbid and sad. I think seeing myself in the funeral has taken that peacefulness away.
I have changed since finding out I have cancer again (or rather we can actually see it now). My doctor reminds me that I have always had the cancer just there are periods of time it isn't visible. I will continue to participate in the lives of those I care about, just as they will support and care for me when I need it. I watched the movie "Into the Wild" directed by Sean Penn yesterday and it was very reflective.....at one point it says "the softening that occurs due to the forced reflection caused by loss" (powerful statement). I am a living example of that statement. I think in many ways that is what is happening to me these days. It is not that funerals and death have not bothered me or made me uncomfortable, it is just because of my recent experiences, I have softened enough to reflect on how I really feel and actually admit it.
Life is certainly a interesting study in how the human spirit grows and evolves............
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Memories.......Cancer can't take them either!
I was reminded recently how when I found out I had Ovarian Cancer all that really seemed important was my daughter and the other people I cared deeply for in my life. Everything else just seemed like extras not necessary to my existence. It was a time when memories were all that counted and material goods seemed pointless. (Read an earlier blog on how I sold everything!!!!...not necessarily the way to go either)
This week I became aware of how blessed I am. In 2001, I thought that my life was over and all the important events in my daughter's life would have to take place without me. One thing I decided to do was to enjoy every milestone as if it was the last. I had read about an individual who had been told he was dying of cancer, and he had 13 children still quite young. He placed thirteen frames on the wall, and was determined to fill each one of them with high school graduation pictures before he died. Well he succeeded and then put 13 more up for college, then weddings etc. I thought that I would do the same although I only had one frame to fill each time.
My daugher was 12 years old and had just completed grade 6 when our lives changed for ever. So, the first frame in my mind was her 13th birthday (teenager who else looks forward to that!). We made it and splurged on a trip to Toronto and saw the Lion King. What a weekend! One for the memory books. Then came Grade 8 graduation. Made that and filled the frame....then 16th birthday, 18th birthday, and the big one in my mind....High School Graduation. The best part of this frame is that I am in it with her....I worked at the high school and the principal allowed me to actually give her the diploma....OMG that was amazing...having never imagined that I would be on this earth and then to actually be in the picture...literally!
So, life has proceeded as such and the frames continue to be filled. Who would have imagined that I would participate in so much of her life when initially diagnosed and given maybe three years if all went really well. Well, last night we marked another milestone in her young adult life....no it wasn't marriage....it was the purchase of her first car. I was so excited when she came to pick me up and take me for a drive. I was 'over the moon' as they say. Times like these so many people take for granted, and yet in our life we have been blessed with realizing how precious they actually are.
When cancer entered my life, there was a time when I thought it was the beginning of the end. It may have happened like that and there are many times I have wondered why I am still here. Especially when so many others who I have known are not. But, I can't dwell in that place because there are no answers to that question. Instead I choose to just be in awe of the moments that I am given to watch my daughter grow up and to experience with her, and share with her memories of my own first experiences, and enjoy the moment. The moment is the only time we have......no other moment exists no matter what. Last night was another of those moments that I have framed in my mind....and a moment in her life that when I am gone forever she will have to smile about in memory of me. Memories, that's all that matters in the end.
This week I became aware of how blessed I am. In 2001, I thought that my life was over and all the important events in my daughter's life would have to take place without me. One thing I decided to do was to enjoy every milestone as if it was the last. I had read about an individual who had been told he was dying of cancer, and he had 13 children still quite young. He placed thirteen frames on the wall, and was determined to fill each one of them with high school graduation pictures before he died. Well he succeeded and then put 13 more up for college, then weddings etc. I thought that I would do the same although I only had one frame to fill each time.
My daugher was 12 years old and had just completed grade 6 when our lives changed for ever. So, the first frame in my mind was her 13th birthday (teenager who else looks forward to that!). We made it and splurged on a trip to Toronto and saw the Lion King. What a weekend! One for the memory books. Then came Grade 8 graduation. Made that and filled the frame....then 16th birthday, 18th birthday, and the big one in my mind....High School Graduation. The best part of this frame is that I am in it with her....I worked at the high school and the principal allowed me to actually give her the diploma....OMG that was amazing...having never imagined that I would be on this earth and then to actually be in the picture...literally!
So, life has proceeded as such and the frames continue to be filled. Who would have imagined that I would participate in so much of her life when initially diagnosed and given maybe three years if all went really well. Well, last night we marked another milestone in her young adult life....no it wasn't marriage....it was the purchase of her first car. I was so excited when she came to pick me up and take me for a drive. I was 'over the moon' as they say. Times like these so many people take for granted, and yet in our life we have been blessed with realizing how precious they actually are.
When cancer entered my life, there was a time when I thought it was the beginning of the end. It may have happened like that and there are many times I have wondered why I am still here. Especially when so many others who I have known are not. But, I can't dwell in that place because there are no answers to that question. Instead I choose to just be in awe of the moments that I am given to watch my daughter grow up and to experience with her, and share with her memories of my own first experiences, and enjoy the moment. The moment is the only time we have......no other moment exists no matter what. Last night was another of those moments that I have framed in my mind....and a moment in her life that when I am gone forever she will have to smile about in memory of me. Memories, that's all that matters in the end.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Looking out for your Feet!!!!!!
O.K. I am really excited, I have had an experience that is new and probably the most wonderful thing I have done in sooooooo long. I am very eclectic in most everything in my life. I love all kinds of different music, I have a variety of friends with various interests, my furniture comes from flea markets, yard sales, and other people's basements, my spiritual beliefs run the gamut, and I love food that tastes good. So it's no surprise that when dealing with my health I am very open minded to a number of different approaches.
I believe that I must use traditional medicine to make sure that I live long enough to try the less traditional methods. As Dr. Andrew Weil says, if it is between living and dying whether you do chemo, do the chemo till you find something better!!!! So, I do chemo! I also take lots of vitamins, eat very little fat and non-processed foods, and try really hard to get some exercise......that means walking. Again quoting Dr. Weil, we are bipeds so really the best exercise for us is walking....and I love walking (swimming too). But again I have wandered off on a tangent......so the new experience. Just as I make sure I consume healthy food ect., I also make sure that I am kind and soothing to my body. I have gone for massages for the better part of 20 years and I would suggest that everyone should do so. It is so relaxing, if for no other reason than you have to lie still for an hour.......so .....The other day I decided to try Reflexology.....OMG it was the most wonderful one hour I have ever spent. I love to have my feet rubbed so that was the attraction initially. Well, it is the most relaxed I have been in ages. It took me the rest of the day to just get back to a somewhat normal stress level in order that I could function. I lay there for one full hour while the therapist first massaged with the intent of pressing pressure points. There were spots on my feet that thought they died and had gone to heaven without the rest of my body. It was like they had been awakened from an eternal rest. Ohhhhh it was so great. THEN, the therapist massaged my feet and calves and I just melted into the table like I was ice turning into water. (I even caught myself twice starting to snore LOL). I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it......oh I guess I just did.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, who has any stress, is burnt out, or just needs a little TLC, go for reflexology. The bonus is its cheaper than a massage, and in my estimation much much more relaxing.....So, my prescription for this week is to BE NICE TO YOUR FEET, and your soul will never forget you.
It is important no matter what is going on in our lives to take some quality time and make sure all the parts are covered. So emotional, spiritually, mentally and physically make sure you do something each week for each area. I know that I will be doing this again. Life is so wonderful when the whole body is happy!!!!!!!
I believe that I must use traditional medicine to make sure that I live long enough to try the less traditional methods. As Dr. Andrew Weil says, if it is between living and dying whether you do chemo, do the chemo till you find something better!!!! So, I do chemo! I also take lots of vitamins, eat very little fat and non-processed foods, and try really hard to get some exercise......that means walking. Again quoting Dr. Weil, we are bipeds so really the best exercise for us is walking....and I love walking (swimming too). But again I have wandered off on a tangent......so the new experience. Just as I make sure I consume healthy food ect., I also make sure that I am kind and soothing to my body. I have gone for massages for the better part of 20 years and I would suggest that everyone should do so. It is so relaxing, if for no other reason than you have to lie still for an hour.......so .....The other day I decided to try Reflexology.....OMG it was the most wonderful one hour I have ever spent. I love to have my feet rubbed so that was the attraction initially. Well, it is the most relaxed I have been in ages. It took me the rest of the day to just get back to a somewhat normal stress level in order that I could function. I lay there for one full hour while the therapist first massaged with the intent of pressing pressure points. There were spots on my feet that thought they died and had gone to heaven without the rest of my body. It was like they had been awakened from an eternal rest. Ohhhhh it was so great. THEN, the therapist massaged my feet and calves and I just melted into the table like I was ice turning into water. (I even caught myself twice starting to snore LOL). I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it......oh I guess I just did.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, who has any stress, is burnt out, or just needs a little TLC, go for reflexology. The bonus is its cheaper than a massage, and in my estimation much much more relaxing.....So, my prescription for this week is to BE NICE TO YOUR FEET, and your soul will never forget you.
It is important no matter what is going on in our lives to take some quality time and make sure all the parts are covered. So emotional, spiritually, mentally and physically make sure you do something each week for each area. I know that I will be doing this again. Life is so wonderful when the whole body is happy!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Cancer takes everything.....but not my Soul!
I consider myself a very spiritual person. I use the word spiritual as opposed to religious, because as those who know me would agree I am certainly anything but religious. I have a very strong faith, and it is very much my own. I believe that faith has played a very large part in how I have chosen to journey with this disease. Cancer has the ability to take everything you hold dear away, sometimes even unfortunately friends who may be incapable of dealing with this horrible disease. The one thing that cancer can not take away, without my permission, is my faith (or read Soul)..and that is not going to happen.
One of the main things I believe human beings need in life more than anything or anyone is Purpose. We must believe that there is a reason for us to be here and we must be allowed to at least try to achieve it. Over the past ten years I have found that many, very kind and compassionate people, have not quite understood that. When I am sick, and I mean in bed, throwing up, cranky sick, I need to have things done for me and actually I would rather not be counted on too much. On the other hand, when I am not 'sick' just not totally healthy, I have to believe that there is something that I am necessary for in this life. I know the old adage that we have value simply by being, and I believe that, but I also know that when I am capable I want to do more. I have been very blessed in my life with a group of people who have allowed me to be very important and useful in the midst of my illness. It is so nice to know that I can still lend an ear, make someone smile, and just help out in general for those who are also struggling with their own problems.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is that I don't know if many understand this. Unless you have been there, maybe you think that protecting people and sheltering them from everyday life is what they need. Note I say need, they may not necessarily want to be involved but they NEED to be in order to live. One can exist on this earth for years without actually living. Allow them to do something for you, or listen to a problem that maybe you are having, share your feelings about their illness, allow them to comfort you. To move outside of ourselves allows us the ability to put the focus on another rather than always feeling that the spotlight is on us. It gets really uncomfortable to always feel that I am the only needy person. I have people in my life that allow me to help them and they will never know what that means to me. At least if I am still capable, I really need to be involved. Don't decide that things are too much for me, or that I have enough going on without you adding your problems. Needing me gives me energy, and energy gives me the ability to battle this awful disease.
So the next time you meet someone who is struggling with loss or illness, give them something important to do ......like being that presence in your life that you have been in theirs. My faith says that God exists, but God exists most fully in other people helping other people.....please continue to see God in me....and not in some saintly way but in a very human way!
One of the main things I believe human beings need in life more than anything or anyone is Purpose. We must believe that there is a reason for us to be here and we must be allowed to at least try to achieve it. Over the past ten years I have found that many, very kind and compassionate people, have not quite understood that. When I am sick, and I mean in bed, throwing up, cranky sick, I need to have things done for me and actually I would rather not be counted on too much. On the other hand, when I am not 'sick' just not totally healthy, I have to believe that there is something that I am necessary for in this life. I know the old adage that we have value simply by being, and I believe that, but I also know that when I am capable I want to do more. I have been very blessed in my life with a group of people who have allowed me to be very important and useful in the midst of my illness. It is so nice to know that I can still lend an ear, make someone smile, and just help out in general for those who are also struggling with their own problems.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is that I don't know if many understand this. Unless you have been there, maybe you think that protecting people and sheltering them from everyday life is what they need. Note I say need, they may not necessarily want to be involved but they NEED to be in order to live. One can exist on this earth for years without actually living. Allow them to do something for you, or listen to a problem that maybe you are having, share your feelings about their illness, allow them to comfort you. To move outside of ourselves allows us the ability to put the focus on another rather than always feeling that the spotlight is on us. It gets really uncomfortable to always feel that I am the only needy person. I have people in my life that allow me to help them and they will never know what that means to me. At least if I am still capable, I really need to be involved. Don't decide that things are too much for me, or that I have enough going on without you adding your problems. Needing me gives me energy, and energy gives me the ability to battle this awful disease.
So the next time you meet someone who is struggling with loss or illness, give them something important to do ......like being that presence in your life that you have been in theirs. My faith says that God exists, but God exists most fully in other people helping other people.....please continue to see God in me....and not in some saintly way but in a very human way!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Choosing how to live.....
Well, in my part of the world today it is a holiday, Family Day. And that is exactly what I plan on doing, spending it with family. Although true to a young person's way, my daughter is home but sleeping....I guess I can't have it all. Later we will watch a movie and spend some quality time together but in the meantime I will let her sleep and I will putter. We rec'd 20 cm of snow last night so we won't be going too far, not that I care.
Since my appt on Thursday, I have been feeling light and joyful. The little things in my life have again become important, like cooking, cleaning etc. I am really enjoying focusing of these somewhat mindless jobs, rather than worrying about my health. I don't show my worry very much, and am usually able to put on a smile and go through the motions but I realize I am not so good at it as I thought. Over the past few days I have run into people and without a word from me they have commented on how good I look. They tell me I seem brighter than I have lately, more up beat. Well, who would have thought that what I was feeling on the inside was so obvious on the outside. Mind you, I remember years ago when I was doing 'work' on myself my goal was to hopefully allow the inside to match the outside. Maybe I was too successful that now when I want to hide it, I haven't the skill anymore.
I am reading a very good book called, "Taking the Leap" By Pema Chodron. My reading is very eclectic, especially when it comes to spiritual books. This author has a number of books that I have read and I find her gentle way of addressing our habits and fears allows me an openness to examine them honestly. In this book she talks about how we can choose our journey ......she uses a Native American story of two wolves found fighting in your heart. One is vengeful and angry and one is kind and understanding. The winner will be the one you 'choose to feed'. I love this analogy for dealing with cancer. I can give into the fear and terror of this disease and let it keep me locked inside of myself or I can choose to 'feed' the positive, hopeful wolf, and live each day to the fullest. I choose the latter. What is the point of my continuing to live, if what I am doing is not living? I can exist for decades with cancer, and not have lived a minute, or I can live for days with cancer and have done enough to make it feel like a decade.
As I go off to wake my daughter, I am giddy with life. My body feels better than it has in months, my mind is active and wanting to engage....what better way to spend Family day. I guess being positive is more than just talking the talk, you have to feel it all the way down to your toes, in order to walk the walk. Happy Family Day all, I am off the bus and I just might have a picnic in my living room today...who knows!
Since my appt on Thursday, I have been feeling light and joyful. The little things in my life have again become important, like cooking, cleaning etc. I am really enjoying focusing of these somewhat mindless jobs, rather than worrying about my health. I don't show my worry very much, and am usually able to put on a smile and go through the motions but I realize I am not so good at it as I thought. Over the past few days I have run into people and without a word from me they have commented on how good I look. They tell me I seem brighter than I have lately, more up beat. Well, who would have thought that what I was feeling on the inside was so obvious on the outside. Mind you, I remember years ago when I was doing 'work' on myself my goal was to hopefully allow the inside to match the outside. Maybe I was too successful that now when I want to hide it, I haven't the skill anymore.
I am reading a very good book called, "Taking the Leap" By Pema Chodron. My reading is very eclectic, especially when it comes to spiritual books. This author has a number of books that I have read and I find her gentle way of addressing our habits and fears allows me an openness to examine them honestly. In this book she talks about how we can choose our journey ......she uses a Native American story of two wolves found fighting in your heart. One is vengeful and angry and one is kind and understanding. The winner will be the one you 'choose to feed'. I love this analogy for dealing with cancer. I can give into the fear and terror of this disease and let it keep me locked inside of myself or I can choose to 'feed' the positive, hopeful wolf, and live each day to the fullest. I choose the latter. What is the point of my continuing to live, if what I am doing is not living? I can exist for decades with cancer, and not have lived a minute, or I can live for days with cancer and have done enough to make it feel like a decade.
As I go off to wake my daughter, I am giddy with life. My body feels better than it has in months, my mind is active and wanting to engage....what better way to spend Family day. I guess being positive is more than just talking the talk, you have to feel it all the way down to your toes, in order to walk the walk. Happy Family Day all, I am off the bus and I just might have a picnic in my living room today...who knows!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Good news..........and Cancer?????
Feeling really good.....and interestingly I realize that my desire to blog is often directly proportional to how good or bad I am feeling. It is easier to do other things and avoid the need to journal when I am feeling up, but I think it is just as necessary for me to write about the good stuff as well as my not so good. At least then I have a record of what I feel in reality and not just on the bad days.
Had my appt the other day, and was so surprised at how anxious I was. I have had the same physician for over 9 years and to have to meet a new one, and then go through the entire 'story' was a little unsettling. It seems to make everything all the more real. Reciting everything that I have dealt with over 9 years can be emotional. I have learnt to live more in the moment, so when I put it all out there at once I too become a little overwhelmed. One thing that I did do was make sure someone else was there and it was so good. By the end of the appt I had no memory of anything. I was so exhausted both physically and emotionally. I had a pounding headache and just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. And that was with good news, imagine how I would have felt had the news been bad!!!!!! This disease on all levels really tests your endurance and stamina. My friend didn't just drop me off at home either, she invited me to go and watch her boys play high school basketball. I wasn't too keen about it but I went. It was exactly what I needed, a complete and total distraction from the realities that I had been dealing with. Had I gone home directly, I probably would have sat and tried to remember everything that was said and just further exhausted myself. By the time I got home I was too tired to think so I just went to bed. The next morning brought a much better perspective and I remembered most of what had taken place without even trying. I change really is as good as a rest!
The news is very hopeful. There are a number of options that I can choose from when I decide to do treatment. (I will outline those specifically in a future blog). That alone makes me feel like I am really driving the bus, and no need to give the wheel over for quite some time. There are new drugs available that weren't when I was diagnosed even just the last time which was only 5 years ago or so. Also, the doctor mentioned that even trials will be available to me should I need to go that route, which was surprising because the more treatments you have the less likely you can be in a trial. One funny aside, he told me there are also treatment trials going on that I am 'too' healthy for....who would have thought!
My memory has returned over the last couple of days. I am assimilating all the information that I rec'd, with the help of my support person who helps me remember things. It is absolutely necessary at times like this that we have other ears....you think that you will remember everything but you don't. Your mind becomes overwhelmed with all the information and it is like a computer that just shuts down. Having that second set of ears allows you to relax a little afterwards knowing that you have someone to discuss the appt with later.
As I said, I have been mulling things over in my mind and I am feeling much better. I don't think I realized how scared I really was. I mean, I have already outlived the statistics, so there is the thought that maybe my luck is running out. Not according to this physician....lots of options and no need to rush things. YEA!!!!!
So I will continue with my 'normal' (always relevant) life for the time being and when the time comes to make decisions (based on how I am feeling) I know that there will be something that can be done.....so I am off the bus for awhile enjoying the almost springlike weather....although it is cold again today....and loving my life.....
Had my appt the other day, and was so surprised at how anxious I was. I have had the same physician for over 9 years and to have to meet a new one, and then go through the entire 'story' was a little unsettling. It seems to make everything all the more real. Reciting everything that I have dealt with over 9 years can be emotional. I have learnt to live more in the moment, so when I put it all out there at once I too become a little overwhelmed. One thing that I did do was make sure someone else was there and it was so good. By the end of the appt I had no memory of anything. I was so exhausted both physically and emotionally. I had a pounding headache and just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. And that was with good news, imagine how I would have felt had the news been bad!!!!!! This disease on all levels really tests your endurance and stamina. My friend didn't just drop me off at home either, she invited me to go and watch her boys play high school basketball. I wasn't too keen about it but I went. It was exactly what I needed, a complete and total distraction from the realities that I had been dealing with. Had I gone home directly, I probably would have sat and tried to remember everything that was said and just further exhausted myself. By the time I got home I was too tired to think so I just went to bed. The next morning brought a much better perspective and I remembered most of what had taken place without even trying. I change really is as good as a rest!
The news is very hopeful. There are a number of options that I can choose from when I decide to do treatment. (I will outline those specifically in a future blog). That alone makes me feel like I am really driving the bus, and no need to give the wheel over for quite some time. There are new drugs available that weren't when I was diagnosed even just the last time which was only 5 years ago or so. Also, the doctor mentioned that even trials will be available to me should I need to go that route, which was surprising because the more treatments you have the less likely you can be in a trial. One funny aside, he told me there are also treatment trials going on that I am 'too' healthy for....who would have thought!
My memory has returned over the last couple of days. I am assimilating all the information that I rec'd, with the help of my support person who helps me remember things. It is absolutely necessary at times like this that we have other ears....you think that you will remember everything but you don't. Your mind becomes overwhelmed with all the information and it is like a computer that just shuts down. Having that second set of ears allows you to relax a little afterwards knowing that you have someone to discuss the appt with later.
As I said, I have been mulling things over in my mind and I am feeling much better. I don't think I realized how scared I really was. I mean, I have already outlived the statistics, so there is the thought that maybe my luck is running out. Not according to this physician....lots of options and no need to rush things. YEA!!!!!
So I will continue with my 'normal' (always relevant) life for the time being and when the time comes to make decisions (based on how I am feeling) I know that there will be something that can be done.....so I am off the bus for awhile enjoying the almost springlike weather....although it is cold again today....and loving my life.....
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