Finding Joy, I think that was the title of a C.S. Lewis book about his American wife. Well, it certainly applies to the story of finding 'Biblo'. I don't mean the hobbit, I am speaking of my little Shi Tzu dog who I brought into our home just over 9 years ago. It is interesting that sometimes when we do things that appear at the moment to be rather crazy, end up being one of the best things we could have done. I have been very aware of this lately and this event came to mind.
I was just finished chemo. I had been diagnosed with Stage IIIc, Grade 3, Ovarian Cancer six months prior and had spent the past six months having surgery and chemo. The chemo was horrendous and our house had been full of strangers and family on and off for the entire time. This was a good thing, but it had caused so much chaos in our lives we didn't know which end was up or down, or what was missing!
It was at the end of my chemo and it was the beginning of December so it was very cold. My daughter desperately needed a new winter coat so we took a day and went shopping. That is all very relevant b/c in those days....going shopping meant one store, in and out, and then home again exhausted!
We went to the mall and as we were walking in we happened to look into the pet store. There was a little white ball of fur, all by herself, in a a cage just calling out to us. We went in and of course I said "can I hold her" and well you know the rest.....done! So we ended up leaving with this little ball of fur. As I mentioned that was the one store so off we went home.....coat less unless you count the four legged one with the furry coat! Crazy, right. You don't know how crazy. I already had a dog at home, and he wasn't the kind to like new additions. Well, we brought our little bundle home, and put her on the floor. Our dog came over thinking it was a stuffed toy and proceeded to pick her up. Then she moved, and he leaped backwards swallowing his bark, and never attempted to do that again. They were, if not friends, housemates until his death last March (he was 16 years old)
Everyone thought I had lost my mind, including me, and I just blamed it on a very 'low sugar' moment. It may seem like something crazy to do, but in the end it was a God incident. I don't believe in coincidences.
This little bundle of fur brought JOY back into our home....something we hadn't even noticed was missing b/c we were so wrapped up in all the dark, scary stuff about cancer. All of a sudden we were laughing out loud, giggling with each other, and calling to one another to 'come see Bilbo' do this or that. We had found joy again through this little furry creature. I have never for a moment regretted bringing her home, and my daughter doesn't even mind that she spent the entire winter season in a coat that was really a bit too small for her.
Never underestimate what little event in your life may be the event that will turn things around. Again, living in the moment without all the baggage of what ifs, or maybe nots, is really important when you have a serious illness. If it feels like it is suppose to happen, than maybe it is even if everyone else thinks your nuts. Biblo is still here and still makes me laugh, and I often refer to her as my chemo dog. Low blood sugar or not, she was destined to be a member of our house.
I have no desire this time to get another dog......but I did recently get two kittens.....OMG
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A different anxiety.......and Cancer
OK, so now we wait. As I mentioned in another blog, there is the 'Day Before Syndrome" as you anticipate the appointment to come. Then, and what I am going through now, is the 'After the Tests Anxiety". The tests were done, CT Scan and blood tests. Of course, no one can say anything except "you doctor will have the results in a few days". So now I wait.
I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises. I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head. It is just the whole idea of having to wait and talk to someone about it. Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that. I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago. I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible. But, oh the wait. A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'. If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years. I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.
I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking. As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted. I have since changed that behaviour, probably for the good. I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself. Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check. So many people there, and most of them not young. That too was a real revelation. When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease. He said how young I was (42) to have cancer. Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young. When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair. Even in this day of dyes!!!!! There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life. When you have cancer getting old is a bonus! I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain. It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.
Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours. This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety. So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!
I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises. I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head. It is just the whole idea of having to wait and talk to someone about it. Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that. I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago. I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible. But, oh the wait. A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'. If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years. I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.
I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking. As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted. I have since changed that behaviour, probably for the good. I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself. Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check. So many people there, and most of them not young. That too was a real revelation. When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease. He said how young I was (42) to have cancer. Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young. When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair. Even in this day of dyes!!!!! There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life. When you have cancer getting old is a bonus! I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain. It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.
Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours. This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety. So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Revelations....in the midst of Cancer
I could barely contain myself and get to the computer this morning. I have had a revelation! I had it while making my bed, which is not something that usually happens with such a mundane task. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling depressed. It took a lot of courage on my part to admit that as I am not usually so public about how I am immediately feeling. The result of that admission though has been astounding. After I wrote that I literally wallowed in my depression. I stayed home, putts around the house doing minor things, but things that need doing and that I hadn't had the energy for. The other thing that I did was slept. I would do a little, lay down for a nap and then wake up hours later, thinking this is not good. But again I would putts and then lie down. Yesterday I slept for hours and woke up into the evening. Watched mindless t.v. and then went to bed thinking 'I am never going to be able to sleep". I began to read and then turned off my light and slept some more. Waking very early this morning, No Kidding, I thought I don't want to get out of bed, but I will never be able to sleep, and then slept for a couple more hours. Rising from my bed, I putts around some more. Then, while making my bed, I realized that I felt more rested and more up beat than I had for weeks. So, the revelation, maybe sometimes depression is a way for the body to force you to get what you need. I obviously needed down time, but am not the sort of person who would do that voluntarily because I would feel uncomfortable doing nothing. Depression gave me the permission and it feels good.
Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away. For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body. Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating. This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it. Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.
So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities. I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....
Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away. For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body. Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating. This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it. Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.
So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities. I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Depression.........
Well, I think the 'denial' bus has finally completed its journey. It is parked in a very large snow bank! I realized last night that I am somewhat depressed. No kidding, you might say, but I am surprised. I guess I never thought that I would go through that part of grief. The reality came to me in the middle of the night but I think the seed was planted about a week ago by a friend. She casually mentioned that perhaps I was depressed and of course I completely ignored her. I feel tired, at a very deep soul level. I am not weepy or feeling sorry for myself just completely drained. In addition, I think I am terrified. For me to admit that is something really big, and means that maybe I have had some major growth in my emotional personal side over the past few years. I usually never admit fear even if I am standing in it up to my eyeballs. It is a sign of weakness, vulnerability and I don't like that. I really don't believe that but old tapes are hard to quiet. Plus, I refuse to allow myself to spend my life, whatever time I have, being afraid....it is such a waste of time. Moving on.....
Back to depression, so much easier to deal with. I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed. I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid. It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done. You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type. I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person. It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything. Also, I become more internalized and quiet. Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state. Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet"...so its just easier to stay home. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.
So, I am depressed. Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out. The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it. You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it. I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful. I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly. The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly. I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing. So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea. Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.
I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour.
Back to depression, so much easier to deal with. I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed. I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid. It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done. You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type. I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person. It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything. Also, I become more internalized and quiet. Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state. Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet"...so its just easier to stay home. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.
So, I am depressed. Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out. The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it. You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it. I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful. I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly. The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly. I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing. So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea. Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.
I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What Do 'They' Know?????
One of the things that I have learnt over the past ten years is how little the medical community really does know. I don't mean that in a bad way, or to be judgemental. I mean, in the sense, as lay people we often think that when we go to the doctor we will come away so much more informed. As usual, this is not the case. It is a scary thing to learn, because it again tests your idea that there is actually a 'certainty' in life, that life can be controlled and manipulated somehow. I have know this fact for some time now but it always surprises me how I forget it when I need answers to questions that I don't even know how to ask.
I first have to qualify this by saying that I love my doctor and we have a great relationship, a real partnership. Not in the romantic sense of course, although he is very nice, good looking and very intelligent, (all the things I like in a man), a little too serious for my liking (he doesn't always get my jokes). Mind you, considering the situation I see him in maybe that is an attribute not a limitation!!!!!! I digress.....so I trust him and know that he has my best interest at heart....always.
I have not been feeling well and so off I go to the doctor, my oncologist. As I said in another blog, it is often hard to determine what is seriously wrong and what is just normal day to day illness. One way I have found to try and figure it out is through time. I don't jump too quickly to the cancer side, I let things play out a bit, and most times I just get better. My rule is that if two weeks or more go by without feeling well...then I consider going to my gyn/oncol (even getting the jargon down now). So off I went. Well he doesn't think it is anything that needs to worry us at the moment, BUT figures it might be a good idea to do some tests. Well, that covers all the bases! Then says that he is going to let me decide when I want something done, within reason of course, and so the ball is in my court. That may sound like a good thing, but I sometimes take that to mean that I can just brush everything under the rug and pretend that I am fine. I am really good at doing that. Also, then I have to actually look at what I am feeling. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Am I afraid? How afraid am I? What am I afraid of? Can I put the fear aside long enough to make a rational decision and not one based on fear? Am I going to decide to do something just in case? So many questions, so little certainty. So that is where I sit now. Waiting for tests, measuring my fear factor (that was a TV show wasn't it), and deciding what to do. Oh I hate these situations. As much as I like to be in control, there are times when I wish that someone else would just make all the decisions and I could just blindly follow their lead. Mind you, I can see myself following behind saying "are you sure?, maybe we should talk about this, I think I have a better idea," oh I am so confused.
For the time being, I will wait to have the tests and then move to the next step. It's that dreaded 'living in the moment' thing again. I have parked the bus in case anyone is wondering....I am sitting in my big comfy chair knitting and feeling very sorry for myself these days......but it won't last! For the time being though I am relishing the DENIAL!!!!....and busy knitting my daughter her birthday gift. 22 years.....and they said I wouldn't make it to her 17th!!!!!....see I told you WHAT DO 'THEY' KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
I first have to qualify this by saying that I love my doctor and we have a great relationship, a real partnership. Not in the romantic sense of course, although he is very nice, good looking and very intelligent, (all the things I like in a man), a little too serious for my liking (he doesn't always get my jokes). Mind you, considering the situation I see him in maybe that is an attribute not a limitation!!!!!! I digress.....so I trust him and know that he has my best interest at heart....always.
I have not been feeling well and so off I go to the doctor, my oncologist. As I said in another blog, it is often hard to determine what is seriously wrong and what is just normal day to day illness. One way I have found to try and figure it out is through time. I don't jump too quickly to the cancer side, I let things play out a bit, and most times I just get better. My rule is that if two weeks or more go by without feeling well...then I consider going to my gyn/oncol (even getting the jargon down now). So off I went. Well he doesn't think it is anything that needs to worry us at the moment, BUT figures it might be a good idea to do some tests. Well, that covers all the bases! Then says that he is going to let me decide when I want something done, within reason of course, and so the ball is in my court. That may sound like a good thing, but I sometimes take that to mean that I can just brush everything under the rug and pretend that I am fine. I am really good at doing that. Also, then I have to actually look at what I am feeling. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Am I afraid? How afraid am I? What am I afraid of? Can I put the fear aside long enough to make a rational decision and not one based on fear? Am I going to decide to do something just in case? So many questions, so little certainty. So that is where I sit now. Waiting for tests, measuring my fear factor (that was a TV show wasn't it), and deciding what to do. Oh I hate these situations. As much as I like to be in control, there are times when I wish that someone else would just make all the decisions and I could just blindly follow their lead. Mind you, I can see myself following behind saying "are you sure?, maybe we should talk about this, I think I have a better idea," oh I am so confused.
For the time being, I will wait to have the tests and then move to the next step. It's that dreaded 'living in the moment' thing again. I have parked the bus in case anyone is wondering....I am sitting in my big comfy chair knitting and feeling very sorry for myself these days......but it won't last! For the time being though I am relishing the DENIAL!!!!....and busy knitting my daughter her birthday gift. 22 years.....and they said I wouldn't make it to her 17th!!!!!....see I told you WHAT DO 'THEY' KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"In the moment"
One thing I learn everyday is there is no such thing as Certainty!!!! I suggest if you haven't seen the movie 'Doubt' you should.
Well, I bared my soul last night about how upset I was at the news about my niece and even went so far as to ask the question I always tell people not to ask "WHY". Of course, my brain and my heart went to the unmentionable conclusion that all was lost......and then miracles happen. Today I received word that they believe that the surgery they performed removed 'all' the cancerous cells in her lung. I know that it may not be permanent but 'in this moment' things are wonderful. YEAHHHHHHH
As I know in my deepest being.....'this moment' is all we really have anyways. We are not guaranteed anything else and that is why it is so important to just live in the moment, not in the past or the future. I have learnt this again through this event, but also through a less important but just as educational moment. It is through my knitting that I am learning how truly important it is to live right in the moment and not allow my mind to wander to future or past events, or to try and solve problems in my head. Alas, it is very telling if you do......you screw up your knitting!!!!!
I have been trying to knit a very intricate and detailed shawl. I made a resolution that this year I would do that.....in the past I have made similar resolutions and to my credit have fulfilled a number of them so am determined to fulfill this one too. So, as I was saying, I have been TRYING to knit this particular shawl. I absolutely love it which means that I will persevere....but I am learning that I have a tendency to let my mind wander. I will be knitting along watching exactly what I am doing, following the pattern very carefully (I even have a magnet board and ruler underlining the row) and all of a sudden I will do a stitch count and for some unknown reason I will either have too many or too few stitches. Now, if you aren't a knitter, this may not see like a major issue....but when doing something this intricate one stitch too many or too few can make a huge difference. Of course, then I spend forever trying to figure out what happened...which of course matters not because I still have the wrong stitch count...interesting that even in these times we still try to know WHY!!!! as if that matters at all. Anyways, I realized that each time this happens it is due to my lack of focus and attention. I am no longer in 'the moment' I have moved to some other time. It has been very humbling to figure this out as I have always thought that I truly did live in the moment. I am constantly reminding people to do so too. Obviously, I am not as perfect as I though and still need to work on this. I am not upset at this revelation but rather grateful for it. It just goes to show that even in the small day to day events of our lives we are capable of making some very helpful and interesting discoveries. So, you don't need to be diagnosed with a terrible illness to learn this important lesson.......just take up knitting!
Off I go to practice 'living in the moment'....another really good excuse to spend more time knitting!!!!
Well, I bared my soul last night about how upset I was at the news about my niece and even went so far as to ask the question I always tell people not to ask "WHY". Of course, my brain and my heart went to the unmentionable conclusion that all was lost......and then miracles happen. Today I received word that they believe that the surgery they performed removed 'all' the cancerous cells in her lung. I know that it may not be permanent but 'in this moment' things are wonderful. YEAHHHHHHH
As I know in my deepest being.....'this moment' is all we really have anyways. We are not guaranteed anything else and that is why it is so important to just live in the moment, not in the past or the future. I have learnt this again through this event, but also through a less important but just as educational moment. It is through my knitting that I am learning how truly important it is to live right in the moment and not allow my mind to wander to future or past events, or to try and solve problems in my head. Alas, it is very telling if you do......you screw up your knitting!!!!!
I have been trying to knit a very intricate and detailed shawl. I made a resolution that this year I would do that.....in the past I have made similar resolutions and to my credit have fulfilled a number of them so am determined to fulfill this one too. So, as I was saying, I have been TRYING to knit this particular shawl. I absolutely love it which means that I will persevere....but I am learning that I have a tendency to let my mind wander. I will be knitting along watching exactly what I am doing, following the pattern very carefully (I even have a magnet board and ruler underlining the row) and all of a sudden I will do a stitch count and for some unknown reason I will either have too many or too few stitches. Now, if you aren't a knitter, this may not see like a major issue....but when doing something this intricate one stitch too many or too few can make a huge difference. Of course, then I spend forever trying to figure out what happened...which of course matters not because I still have the wrong stitch count...interesting that even in these times we still try to know WHY!!!! as if that matters at all. Anyways, I realized that each time this happens it is due to my lack of focus and attention. I am no longer in 'the moment' I have moved to some other time. It has been very humbling to figure this out as I have always thought that I truly did live in the moment. I am constantly reminding people to do so too. Obviously, I am not as perfect as I though and still need to work on this. I am not upset at this revelation but rather grateful for it. It just goes to show that even in the small day to day events of our lives we are capable of making some very helpful and interesting discoveries. So, you don't need to be diagnosed with a terrible illness to learn this important lesson.......just take up knitting!
Off I go to practice 'living in the moment'....another really good excuse to spend more time knitting!!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sometimes I still ask WHY!
I feel like I have been a bit on the quiet side lately. As I have mentioned before, even when one's life seems full of uncertainty and chaos, it doesn't mean that life around you stops moving. My world has been like that lately. I have problems that I don't want to have and often would like to pull the wool over my head and just pretend that everything will just go away. I am even happy to knit that wool into something that fits over my head! Unfortunately that isn't going to happen.
A few years ago, my niece was very sick with a childhood cancer (Whelms disease) and we all rallied around, doctors debated, and she was able to have a life saving bone marrow transplant in Toronto. It was horrific on her body, on her parents emotional well being, and on the whole family's idea of what a child's life should be. But, we were rewarded with a miraculous recovery, and she was able to go back to school after years of treatments, radiations, and numerous hospital stays. We all cheered and breathed a sigh of relief. Good things do happen........for a while.
Recently, I found out that the cancer is back for her too! I have just not been able to face this reality so I haven't dealt with it. I know that I must, and so today I attempt to write about it. This is not easy and I may decide to stop without warning. It is hard enough for someone my age to deal with such a horrible illness, and to feel that life is unfair. But for a child to have to live with this situation is beyond imagining. My childhood was not perfect (like most I would assume) but getting the measles was probably the worst thing I had to deal with at least until late teenage hood. I was able to attend school, not that I wanted to most times, and very little was out of my reach athletically, recreational or even just basically in friendships. For her, she knows none of this. She has been battling this disease for over five years (since she was 8) and so normal school days is beyond her imagination. I don't get it. I really don't get it. How does a child deal with this and even have the potential to grow up with some sense of security and safety? All she knows is that any thing could happen from one minute to another. Most of us live as if we will be here forever and whine when we can't do everything we want exactly when we want to.
I guess, it is an opportunity to take a minute and to count our own blessings whether we are sick or not. Have we lived a pretty good life? Did we make it to adulthood healthy and basically happy? Can we get up each day and go to work, school, or some other place without really thinking about it? I am going to try really hard to appreciate the health that I do have, as tenuous as it is. I have lived many many years, had great experiences (some lousy ones too) and don't have much to regret. Maybe, my life isn't so bad after all.
Please keep my niece in your prayers....she will need lots of them this time as she seems to have used up all the science that seems to be available. I will still have to sit with this news before I can totally accept it. It may seem funny to some that I would publicly talk about something that I have trouble dealing with on a private, personal level. I need to voice my thoughts, and sometimes just writing them down makes it easier to force the truths into my soul. Would someone please find the cure to this awful disease..........
A few years ago, my niece was very sick with a childhood cancer (Whelms disease) and we all rallied around, doctors debated, and she was able to have a life saving bone marrow transplant in Toronto. It was horrific on her body, on her parents emotional well being, and on the whole family's idea of what a child's life should be. But, we were rewarded with a miraculous recovery, and she was able to go back to school after years of treatments, radiations, and numerous hospital stays. We all cheered and breathed a sigh of relief. Good things do happen........for a while.
Recently, I found out that the cancer is back for her too! I have just not been able to face this reality so I haven't dealt with it. I know that I must, and so today I attempt to write about it. This is not easy and I may decide to stop without warning. It is hard enough for someone my age to deal with such a horrible illness, and to feel that life is unfair. But for a child to have to live with this situation is beyond imagining. My childhood was not perfect (like most I would assume) but getting the measles was probably the worst thing I had to deal with at least until late teenage hood. I was able to attend school, not that I wanted to most times, and very little was out of my reach athletically, recreational or even just basically in friendships. For her, she knows none of this. She has been battling this disease for over five years (since she was 8) and so normal school days is beyond her imagination. I don't get it. I really don't get it. How does a child deal with this and even have the potential to grow up with some sense of security and safety? All she knows is that any thing could happen from one minute to another. Most of us live as if we will be here forever and whine when we can't do everything we want exactly when we want to.
I guess, it is an opportunity to take a minute and to count our own blessings whether we are sick or not. Have we lived a pretty good life? Did we make it to adulthood healthy and basically happy? Can we get up each day and go to work, school, or some other place without really thinking about it? I am going to try really hard to appreciate the health that I do have, as tenuous as it is. I have lived many many years, had great experiences (some lousy ones too) and don't have much to regret. Maybe, my life isn't so bad after all.
Please keep my niece in your prayers....she will need lots of them this time as she seems to have used up all the science that seems to be available. I will still have to sit with this news before I can totally accept it. It may seem funny to some that I would publicly talk about something that I have trouble dealing with on a private, personal level. I need to voice my thoughts, and sometimes just writing them down makes it easier to force the truths into my soul. Would someone please find the cure to this awful disease..........
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